.: Figure it out :.

2007-02-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

ok im sick and tired of telling this story but i promised sam-female i'll put it up here so she can read it.

fri night, me and botak came back to my place early after drinking. long and short of it, when he left i was dozing off so he let himself out and didnt lock the door. apparently B ( and girl, u should know who lah) climbed into the block and let himself into my apartment shortly after. think like within 10min of botak leaving. --> girl u know my block gotta have key to get into the downstairs lift and then when u reach my unit u gotta need the key again. so B climbed in somehow to avoid needing a key downstairs. and my unit door wasnt locked.

so imagine the shock when i woke up to see B in my room. i mumbled something in response to a question he asked coz i thot it was still botak, and then when he asked what i was talking bout i managed to open my eyes and took like 10seconds to realise it was B and not botak. so i started screaming at him to get out and all.. he got hysterical when he noticed a love bite on my neck. lucky he din walk in 10min earlier man, and even so, if he had calmed down he'll prob have noticed that seeing me in that state was as good as seeing me in bed with someone else... all the signs were there jus that he was too worked up to notice.

he wanted to cut himself like how i used to do to my arm, and i was so couldnt-be-bothered. basically i told him to stop his nonsense and get out, and he didnt wanna leave coz he wanted to talk. so i basically stood at my window and screamed for help at the top of my lungs til he left. lucky i noticed my phone was in his pocket b4 he left.. coz i have a pink phone cleaner attached to my phone and that was dangling out from his pocket. i dunno WTH he was thinking man... its literally being stalked.

coz earlier in the evening, i was a bit irritated with botak so i stepped out of the pub to return B's missed calls.. and there were donkey missed calls from him. lucky i had the cow sense to say i was elsewhere b4 i asked where he was ... coz he was like a few pubs down from where i was!!! was so freaked out and omg-ed... coz i didnt wanna run into him and our group was sitting at the table right at the entrance of our pub. apparently B is like turning a bit psycho from me ignoring him, coz he actually went down to my fake location and couldnt find me thats why he went to my apartment to try to locate me. he has this weird phobia that i died somewhere or something...

and im jus sooooo sick of his nonsense. he called my mother at like 5am after i kicked him out of my place and i think he was crying to her coz he couldnt stand the emotional stress any longer.

i am sick and tired of this whole jackshit with B. sister, call me at work tmr if u wanna give me your opinions on him. i mean B not botak.

im too tired to blog bout anything else that happened this week. jus glad i managed to meet up with quite a few of my bank branch people individually this week. its been a long time since i sat down one-on-one with some of them to catch up.

2007-02-03T22:30:00.000+08:00

i should congratulate myself. this week i only drank 3x. =) hahaha...progress progress.

was telling sam just now that wed night was funny, was making out with botak in an alcove while clubbing. was like sitting on his lap, very much like what i did to marc during xmas party. and marc was like sitting there watching this one. haha.. i should stop making out with guys in full view of an audience. in fact, wth. i was supposed to stop playing altogether!

after talking to sam and chris, i figured stuff out. i mean, all along i know that playing with a married person has its protocol. at the end of the day, a married man will always go back to his wife. i jus wanted to know if they think he likes me. and the conclusion is that he's probably jus playing and nothing more. i know that lah, i jus wanna know too if he likes me. im ego-istic ok. hee..

i know that he's a player alright. he's admitted to me b4, and after i watched him in velvet last night and once in bala a couple of wks back, can tell. when he talks to girls his hand's like always around their waist.

but velvet was fun last night. surprisingly that was the 2nd time i clubbed this week. i ran into so many people it was ridiculous. came back farking high but didnt puke *yay*. and it was quite a girly night last night, i prob talked to more girls than guys.

anyone wants to start placing bets on when botak will be tired of me? sam says early march, i say by end feb. anymore takers? =)

2007-01-30T12:46:00.000+08:00

things are different. somehow.

on sunday night, i swore to des that i wouldnt drink on mon and tues. and mon at like 10am, i texed des asking him out for a drink. so basically i was supposed to meet him, tbh and vic. but all were late and teddy bear was asking if i wanted to meet up for a short while so i met teddy bear b4 he followed me to join the other 3.

in my conversation with teddy bear, i was telling him bout botak. to him, if you wanna play, know where to stop. he feels that i end up falling for whoever i play with... but i told him that a married man will always go back to his wife at the end of the day. which made me understand something teddy bear had been trying to explain to me since mid dec the night we sort of kissed.

so botak came down for like 10min b4 teddy bear and my frens left... somehow even after that, things were different. feels different somehow lah. maybe its the heavens' way of telling me that its game over. was asking botak what he told his wife bout not going home on fri night and he apparently told her he slept at the bar. if he didnt really give a shit bout her, he wouldnt have to think of excuses to tell her right?

anyway i def dont wanna drink tonight, i jus need some peace and quiet at home. i might not even see botak tmr, since he kinda din take the hint this morning on the phone. so maybe this is a good way to end it. i told you so, my dear sister. now believe me. i can do it.

onto something more depressing.. this morning i walked in pretty late at work. there was an email in my inbox from my boss's boss asking me to go see her. basically, its bout 2 issues.

i understand her scolding me bout my lack of punctuality. what surprised me was that someone from my prev bank had already told her bout my punctuality problems even b4 i started working. they said something like "you sure you wanna take her?" ... this kinda thing, can prob come from only my immediate bosses. eliminating my first boss whom i dont think would have said it, it leaves that bitch we all hated or my last boss who is still there now. well done... i know market is small but i didnt know news travels that fast.

next, was bout my dressing. apparently im too "fashionable" for the workplace since most of them dress in conservative (aka frumpy) clothes. i think the girls have made some mean comments on my dressing that my lady boss didnt wanna repeat. sometimes i may look a bit more party-ish but i think most of what i wear is ok. not sure if they're jealous or something that a newcomer looks better dressed than them. and even the men have complained too. so long and short of it, i was asked to change my dressing to blend into the office.

i was like... WTF!!!!!!!!!!

u ask me to be punctual, yes i can try. i can accept being scolded bout punctuality coz i know its my fault. but to ask me to change my dressing, a very core part of who i am, jus to blend into the office and be a quiet mouse like the rest.... you must be kidding!!! no way! the max i can do is to wear a cardi over my clothes, thats bout it. what i wear now is mostly what i wore in the bank and i didnt get much comments there. hardly, in fact.

i hate this office. i thought that ok, if i do my work well and all, i can live with being ignored by the rest of the office. yes, at least the lady boss did say that i turn in quality work. its only my punctuality and dressing that the office cant accept. so fine, if one part of my kpi is going to be based on how the others like me and how well i interact with them, i'll rather not pass probation. one thing i never ever wanted to become, was a typical office girl dressed in stiff cotton tops and frumpy dress sense. i'll rather stay who i am, at least i think my frens accept me for who i am.

2007-01-27T17:03:00.000+08:00

i drank even more this week...fark. i literally drank on mon tues wed thurs fri and later tonight.

on mon, i kenna called out for drinks even when i already reached home... call me a bloody alcoholic lah but i jus will drop everything when i hear the word "drinks". tues drank with 2 different groups, wed was farking farking pissed drunk. thurs had dinner and coffee in boat quay and was walking out of the area when a call came. drinks at boat quay, jus down the row from where i was standing. so yeah i couldnt resist temptation. so sue me. fri was a good mix of ppl. a few of the LT10 guys and botak's frens that i am closer to. at our usual pub. finished like hell lot of beer, 2 and half bottles of whiskey then they came to my place to drink a bottle of vodka. (the damn vodka got demolished within an hour)

its the seriously first time i had frens over and it ended up as a couple couple thing. marc and his girl took the guest room (he knows my place so bloody well he knows where the glasses are, the cutlery, the deck of playing cards, what he can and cannot do, etc... basically stuff impt to his alcoholic heart), one couple ended up on the sofa in the living room. one guy, shall not name names, got too tired and went home. left exactly 4 guys 4 girls at my place, including me.

so after i went into my room to see if botak wanted to go out for supper (he was sleeping in my room), i actually left the door open but the lights were off coz he was asleep. some idiot closed the door, then when they opened it again they laughed and closed the door. and when we came out, the last pair who jus knew each other, were prob bored of the other 3 couples each hogging an area and they had ended up in the study room tghr. so yes, it literally looked like a mass orgy. first time i have frens over and it looked that bad. haha..

and i did something that everyone has been telling me not to do. if u know what i am talking about, good for u. if not, dont ask. i feel a wee bit guilty for it, after all like what everyone says, what goes around comes around. but i dont regret doing it, in fact i loved it. i jus hope things will still be the same betw us. he said it will and i kinda believe him... after all he's not a bastard like marc. alot more down to earth, no hot air, he's a more sincere person i feel.

btw i passed my cfa level one! and i got a new job. got all the good news on the same day so i was bloody excited. must have sent like 100 over smses in total that day announcing the good news.

everyone is sick of hearing me say this but i hope i clean up my life soon. it seems as tho i get myself into bigger and bigger messes each time. and my NY resolutions have all flown out of the window and disappeared with the rain.

2007-01-18T23:03:00.000+08:00

i need to stop shopping.

damage for the week
- Mango sunglasses
- Zara dress
- Warehouse clutch bag
- Chanel's limited edition eyeshadow
- potentially one pair of shoes, 9west

im not even keeping track of the money spent, i just know the clutch was 46bucks and the eyeshadow 89bucks and the shoes 165bucks. not too sure bout the shades think its 30smething and the dress is about 40bucks. fark.

and i need to stop drinking. i know i need to stop drinking and i know i've said it many times. damn.

mon was out with botak marc and C.

tues was out with teddy bear... met my whole desk again. drank at boat quay from 630 to 12midnight with teddy bear then went to st james with botak coz tons of uob ppl were there. my branch, my batch, ppl i know from other branches...was bloody gone i think. amazed i drove back altho the 2 guys left with me refused to let me drive. told aly that jus now, and she said that when im drunk im super stubborn, whatever ppl want me to do or do for me, i refuse. so now i know im a stubborn drunk haha...

wed night was at blardy boring bala with botak marc and C and C's frens. was freaking impatient coz i wanted to go boat quay... even when we FINALLY left bala and went boat quay i wasnt v happy coz i dont know their frens well. was happiest on tues night actually.

and tmr will be out drinking again.

even for tonight... after dinner with aly and W im damn stoned when i came back. didnt feel like talking to bryan who's been calling persistently, and on top of that my phone's been ringing off the hook with drink invites. one guy's celebrating bday, damn persistent in asking me to join him. one's a gym guy, damn persistent and irritating too. i think i sounded damn rude in my sms replies to him tonight. simply not in the mood to entertain ppl i dont feel like talking to. and another fren's at bala, with corporate banking ppl from my ex-bank. i turned him down for tonight but agreed to join them next wk.

funny, the only person i felt like talking to jus now was botak. felt weird not receiving smses from him in the evening... but talked to him for more than half an hour online just now. this is what i call stepping into dangerous territory... this guy is married. but i've seen him on mon tues wed, and we more or less emailed throughout the workday today. but i dont get the vibe that he likes me, so i guess i shouldnt be paranoid.

interestingly enough on the job front, i had an interview this morning. and i scheduled another one for the coming week. both were from the time i was still job hunting and since they called, i decided i might as well jus go for the interviews and see how things go. not sure if i'll get either and not sure if i'll take them. im quite tired of moving ard different jobs. we'll see how things go.

aly, if u read this.. happy for u. i hope things work out... i think u know what im referring to. =)

chris and sam-female - thanks for providing moral support. i appreciate it.

i think im jus going to stop stoning and try to go to sleep. im like farking tired but too wired up to really fall asleep. gonna wear casual to work tmr.. first time im going to show up in birkenstocks. cant be bothered with heels at work tmr seriously. esp since i prob have to dress up tmr night.

2007-01-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

its been a crazy week of drinking and my life is still as screwed up as ever. my NY resolution to clean up my act will officially start today - not going dragonfly with daph-y and the bank people. i figured drinking on mon wed thurs fri is enough for the week, i dont need to add saturday into the count too.

still bothered by thurs...went drinking with teddy bear and i got knocked out flat on vodka in 2 hours. my mistake to be banker on ban luk. we bet on drinks btw. lost like crazy. and i know i will puke whenever i eat and drink... i snacked on peanuts mon night, i puked it out. i snacked on fried rice wed night, i puked that out too. but i was really hungry on thurs and ate finger food. big mistake. lets just say that teddy bear was quite pissed with me and he had to send me home in a cab... i puked in the cab and i puked after i got out of the cab. he said he will have to "re-evaluate whether he wants to bring me out for drinks in the future". fine... bo jio then bo jio. big deal.

and i seriously cant believe i was stupid enuf to ever fall for marc's lies. one of his frens from our regular pub, lets call him botak. he's known marc for a wk plus longer than he's known me, and i only realised on wed that he was married. for 7 bloody years. looks so young somemore! no wonder he felt so uncomfortable with me hugging him the whole mon night. granted he says he's in an unhappy marriage lah. why he claims he felt uncomfortable is coz i'm supposed to be marc's girl and he kept asking me and marc whether marc was ok with me hugging him (as in botak).

so its only on thurs that i happened to be text-ing botak, that i realised marc told botak shortly after we met, that i was his ex. i was farking pissed off when i heard about it, coz basically it ruins my reputation. makes me look like a loser that keeps going out with her "ex-bf". botak refused to let me confront marc about it. and last night at velvet, when i commented to botak that marc was a damn womaniser, considering the number of girls he's asked down to velvet that night, botak asked if i was jealous.

and he asked me yet again whether i've really really never been with marc. coz he said marc told him that very convincingly, and he's always gotten this vibe that me and marc were like a couple. i've seen botak a grand total of...... 6 times as of last night. so the only few times he felt that me and marc were like a couple is prob the first 3 times when we met. coz i know for sure that this wk, i've seen botak 3x, and mon night i was hugging botak, wed night and last night i didnt talk to marc at all.

coz marc wants to play this damn game, he ignores me when im out with him and his frens, and he treats me like his baby when we're alone. he prob din realise he let the cat out of the bag verbally too, coz he said he cant be close to me when its all his colleagues and frens inside the pub. yes, i know im not your gf. i also know that mon night, u told me u broke up with your gf, and that same night u told botak u and her patched things up. your biggest mistake is u didnt realise that me being closer to botak would result in me finding out alot of lies, discrepancies in things u've told me vs things you told botak. i know that one of the girls who's always drinking with your grp is your colleague as well as your gf's sec sch fren. on top of that, you think that u've won this game with me coz u think that now im more into u than ure into me.

baby, u're so wrong. i was weak last friday, thats why i pretended i was drunk and i told you that i like you. and ever since then, your attitude has changed. well, sorry baby but u havent won this game. coz right now i cant be bothered about you already. im sick of your game and your lies. i hope last night taught you a small lesson. you want to get a girl, at least try to be nice to her. you dont expect me to go back with you when

1. you didnt invite me out last night. botak did.
2. you ignored me all night. i was talking to botak and C.
3. wait til botak wants to leave and i say im following him out to grab a cab as well. then u ask if i want to join u and your other frens. u think i dont know that u want me to hang ard simply coz u want me to go back with you.
4. call me when you leave velvet to say "you want to make sure i got back safely". bullshit. more like u want to see if im with another guy.

seriously so farking pissed off with marc. if i ever get to talk to him alone again, im going to tell him what i've told him long long ago when our clique did a gathering at indochine. if you want to play, go play with other girls. im your fren... respect me. i must have repeated this statement many times over the last couple of months. most of the time he respects me when i throw that statement at him. when i look back at all the times he backs off when i throw that statement out, in retrospect i realise that all he's ever wanted to do is to get me into bed. sister, u were right... this kind of fren i can do without.

and no matter what marc says and what botak says, i know that when marc's gf comes back, i wont be drinking with them at the pub already. i came in as marc's girl, the game's over and she's coming back end of next mth. so basically i can start to say goodbye emotionally to marc and botak. and teddy bear too.

i wonder why the life that i love - drinking at boat quay- .. is screwing me up big time.

2007-01-07T20:34:00.000+08:00

those who've talked to me over the past wk know what sort of crap i'm going thru.

lets jus say ive never learnt my lesson...after falling for -him- in nov 05, and knowing what kind of bastard he is, why the hell m i putting myself thru the same crap with marc? i KNOW that marc is a player, a womaniser, an absolute bastard at that. so maybe my sister is right, that im just infatuated with him. which makes me wonder why i didnt learn my lesson after -him-. my bank ppl know i've gone thru hell to get over -him- altho he did state from the start that he was leaving the country and that not to expect something.

yes, teddy bear was right on friday night. marc has a gf, and i know his background. i know his character. so for me to expect anything more out of him was plain stupid. teddy bear did make one comment when i brought teddy bear and co. into the pub that marc and his frens were in. he said there's a difference betw jealousy and hostility and he felt that marc was jealous. w/in 5 min though, marc told me he heard what teddy bear said and told me i could tell teddy bear that what he said wasnt true. fine baby, if u wanna play this hot-cold game, you can go ahead. im tired of playing games with guys, and in future if i fall for some other guy and talk about it in front of u and ben u better not claim jealousy again. like what i texted u and u didnt bother replying, i'll never trust u again. you've proven in more ways than one that i cant trust u.

was running a damn fever AGAIN this afternoon, i think its coz i was baking myself in the sun earlier then i jumped into the pool. the water was damn cold and i could literally feel my body being shocked by the extreme temperature difference. so B was quite cute, he actually walked over to my apartment from his tuition place although i already told him i refused to eat lunch with him. and since he walked over in the sweltering heat i relented and we went kfc for lunch.

and when i came back wiht him, i started to feel sick. so i rested in the guest room and he kept me company, brought me panadol and held my hand while i slept. its really so comfortable to be with someone who knows you so well, and who knows where stuff is and doesnt need to keep asking (when marc brought me back the other night he kept asking me where's the hot water and yada yada yada when he wanted to make me tea). i seriously feel like marrying B coz if we sort out our bloody problems we're already in the stage leading to talking about weddings. but up to last night we were still arguing and it really does seem like there's no way ever to work out our problems.

like what teddy bear said, why the hell is my life so complicated?? i jus laughed and told him that day that its a good thing i have such a stable boring job so at least it gives me time to go think about my personal life.

btw, whoever's placing bets on B moving back in with me is STILL losing $. haha.

at the end of the day, i wonder what a comment yl made long long ago is true. she said that you marry someone with whom marriage is convenient, as in the person has enough $, is stable, etc. you dont have to be madly in love with the person. at this rate my life is going, yes i think i agree with that statement.

2006-12-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

my last blog before the new year.

sooo busy this week. i love it. its what i used to do in year 1 and adijaya was scolding me for packing my time so tightly.

tues
lunched with charles n he updated me on what happened on xmas eve. there's so much stuff i cant remember doing or saying, and its so bloody scandalous its hilarious. sat there and laughed and laughed and "omg"-ed my way thru the whole lunch, and its funny to be laughing at stupid stories when the person being described is me.

had a quick dinner with him and i was looking at solitaire diamonds with him after that. was basically pointing out what kind of rings i'll want as engagement rings. and they're BLOODY expensive even with a 50% discount. and looked at a solid one carat ring, its so much bigger than a .91 carat. and almost like double the price!!!!

wed
tbh's wedding. i loved the concept of taking wedding pictures in a grecian outfit (partly coz i love rome and greece and historically these 2 countries have always fascinated me, tghr with their culture). ended up at st james with the bankers til bout 430 and yes, was a leeeeetle gone but it wasnt too bad a night considering i was left with people im not particularly close to.

thurs
dinner with my pri sch fren, she's one of my oldest frens as in i've known her since pri2. we used to sit outside the sch gates and wait for our dads to pick us up, long after everyone has left. and usually both our dads show up at the same time. we did the same pri and sec schs, classmates for all 4 years in sec sch but i wasnt close to her then as i was quiet and she was outgoing. she still is crzy and outgoing now but i think i can be crazier haha. i'll miss this girl after she goes overseas....2 years!!

seriously think i should stop drinking so much coz i cant remember what i did in the daytime on thurs, all i recall is wondering how i can be so busy running errands and getting stuff.... i love being so busy all day even when im not working.

fri
the craziest day of the week. and i totally totally love it.

met my prof for lunch, he came to my place to pick me up. i used to love talking to him but im tired of analysing my life which is always what he does for me. im tired of thinking of the mess in my love life. never thought i'll hear myself say this but i was itching to end the lunch coz i din wanna think anymore. i dun wanna sit there and listen to why i like to play, why me and B are so different already, having my life dissected and analysed. yes i know we're engineers but maybe its good i never practiced. i hate to think. seriously.

then rushed back to branch to visit as i've promised for so long. its so different there after renovations! drew a crazy picture with ML, i'll put up the pic after i load it to my laptop. freaking funny... i really do miss the good old times in branch. seems like the time of the year to get nostalgic..

then met the tpb's sales manager...the fella i was seeing for a short while last wk. weird to go out with the sales staff last wk and go for coffee with his manager too.... hee jus a funny thought that came into my head. so his manager was another one i've been promising to meet for damn long too. he used to do bancassurance for us b4 moving into the bank.

THEN i rushed down to boat quay coz i promised marc i'll go down hence he opened a bottle of whiskey for me. was fun sitting there playing games with his frens, the whole ambience reminds me of the pubs i visited with the brokers b4. it was jus a few doors down the row from the 3 pubs i've patronised when i was working in the shop, had the temptation to walk by and look in to see if any of the brokers were ard.

and after that i promised another fren i'll go zouk, so since marc's frens were going too he came along. was crazy, met soooooooooo many people in velvet. its like turn ard and "eh what are u doing here!!!" turn ard and "hey i nv see u for so long!"mainly people i havent seen for some time, and the best was meeting the gym guy i used to admire when i was working in the bank. and i got his number! yay! heeheehee

but i was pretty gone by the end of the night. mixing whiskey beer tequila and vodka in one night prob isnt the smartest thing to do, but when u run ard like a headless chicken drinking with different groups thats what u get.

there's one thing that made me even more confused than i already am. marc asked me if i liked him, we talked alot last night although we drank alot too. about why he'll get jealous abt me now when he didnt last time, it was a standing joke betw me and him that we'll nv feel jealous abt each other coz we dont give a shit. abt how he feels his current gf isnt all that right for him, i know they've had problems for eternity but i did tell charles the other day that things might righten out when she returns. so the only thing we succeeded in doing last night was to make both of us more confused, as in me and marc. coz i need to figure out what to do about B and he needs to settle his gf. and he told me he's talked to one of our pals about it, as in one of the brotherhood. and they both had a gd laugh at the idea of me and marc being tghr, coz i'll never trust him and he'll never trust me. we both know each other's escapades too well. he's a womaniser and im probably one gal that plays as much as he plays. and lastly, i told marc not to try to get me into bed coz i dont do ONS anymore and if he did try to be funny i'll never trust anything else he says. so it shows that he IS serious coz he was a gentleman last night, good discipline.

so yes, im even more confused now. technically i think me and marc will never work out if i give it some serious thought, and i have all along said that i'll never want a guy like him coz he's too playboy and i've lived that life and i know him well and i'll never trust him. anyway who knows, maybe he'll decide to give his relationship another shot when she comes back in 2mths and i might work things out with B (and wayne will win his bet about me and B getting back tghr haha). the only thing im happy about is at least i've settle my job, i jus need to sort out my messy life. im tired of thinking, i seriously wish the problem will go away by itself.

happy happy new year! to a better year with a better market so i make more $ on the markets and to lotsa drinks!

2006-12-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

merry merry christmas!!

last night's christmas eve celebration was a BLAST. alcohol all the way and crazy fun for 10hours straight.

cabbed to the hotel with marc, and first thing even b4 u get in the door, u gotta do door entry drinks. means 2 shots each, some concoction done by ben. each person contributed a bottle of liquor, and then since it was relatively early we played ban luk. drinking shots instead of paying money. see...alcohol all the way.

so we all got quite high within 2 hours of starting the party, and it was hardly 9something at night. within half an hour of showing up, sam asked if i was seeing marc, based on how physically close we looked. haha interesting qn sister, answer is still no. i havent seen him for more than a mth b4 yesterday, and we prob looked close coz he's just too used to me i suppose.

there was good fun sitting on the bed gossiping with the other girls, about the clique and jobs and all. the guys were busy trying to mix something they drank in thailand...its like BLEAGH. imagine 3 quarters of a bottle of whiskey in a hotel ice bucket, together with alot of shit i wasnt interested to find out. ah beng got drunk pretty early, so the guys babysitted him for a while b4 i went along with xiao qiang and marc to send ah beng back. along the way we got rid of xiao qiang, told him to drop off at his potential girl's church to bring her back to the party after mass. funny, i seem to suan xiao qiang really well when im a bit gone.

slept on marc's lap on the way back to the hotel, and when we got back tons more people showed up already. AND guess what....more door entry shots! and it was upped to 5 shots this time, yl also came and she was egging ben about pouring the shots. at least she asked ben to give me the less-disgusting concoction out of the 2 bottles he welded. hmmmm, at least some loyalty there. coz i offered to take a couple of shots for marc who was about to reach his limit, and the more disgusting concoction simple REEKED of tequila. and i hate even the smell of tequila, let alone the taste. sheesh, no wonder yl tried to save me haha.

and coz i didnt bother to bring a gift for gift exchange, i refused to do an ang bao, so i had to drink 10 shots. so did marc, but i got marc to drink 5 shots for me. by that time i suppose anyone who isnt blind could see that marc was closer to me than other girls in general. why would u take another girl's drinks for her esp if she wasn't ur gf?

anyway i was damn bloody gone by that point. i do recall sitting on marc's lap and kissing him AND i think aaron was trying to get good shots of it. ok lah i do admit it looks bloody scandalous, i look as if i was doing a girl-on-top position and it prob looked like i was trying to seduce marc. but it was for fun only lah, and the people there know that at the end of the day, we all just go back to our own lives. so its basically having fun where everyone involved knows that its purely for fun and nothing emotional involved. but its at times like this i feel like a third party (yes it looks like i am, but i wont say im actually a third party coz there is seriously NOTHING going on betw me and marc). esp when mel talks about their double dates and all. sheesh. sometimes i wonder where i leave my brains.

i must have knocked out on the bed, coz i woke up about 430 and didnt wanna sleep anymore. so i made xiao qiang feed me chicken and lay on yl's lap since she was conveniently holding a pillow. shows how gone we all were coz under normal circumstances xiao qiang will NEVER feed me chicken and yl will NEVER let me lie on her lap. and marc was cuddled with one of his close girl frens on the sofa, so i called the tpb i was seeing earlier in the wk to come over, since he already intended to come down at some pt and he'd left missed calls on my phone b4 i woke up.

long and short of it, marc had migrated to the bed by then and i was with the tpb. basically was sitting on the tpb's lap when i caught marc's eye and he mouthed "bitch. u did this on purpose". to which my reply, "well u were hugging someone else when i woke up what. no big deal". ok i suppose i breached one of our rules coz generally if i go out drinking with marc he'll have the decency to not ask any other girl along as his "date" kinda thing. so i was basically stuck with having TWO guys to entertain. *faint*.

when the tpb went outside to watch tv out of boredom, i got under the blanket with marc to pacify him. looks scandalous again coz by this point there were 3 couples lying on the bed and only one was officially a couple haha. and when we went to the bathroom on the pretext of marc wanting to puke, i think no one believed us. esp since they accidentally opened the door a bit and saw marc without clothes. nuff said. but again, marc was gone so im still an innocent angel and this time im the one that left a couple of hickeys on him.

slept with the tpb a bit on the floor, and ah beng was nice enuf to make a second trip back after dropping off people to get me. i basically jus left the tpb on the floor, took my bag and walked out. until we reached the mac near my place for breakfast and i realised i left one of my phones in the hotel room, so we had to go back AGAIN to get it. made marc bring it down and he came into the car too, since ah beng could drop him off. slept on marc's lap again but this time coz i had a seriously bad hangover, and i was still clutching my previously-missing phone so marc texted me "bitch. purposely made me jealous last night".

this is all good clean fun but see that's why i like stringing guys along. bloody fun and i get a kick out of seeing how far i can string them. some may call this childish, but to each his own. why i hit it off with marc all along is coz we both can be super close and touchy feely when we meet, but we can then not meet up for a couple of mths and we just get on with our own lives without bothering each other. so we're in sync in that sense.

now i need to figure out new yr eve plans. so nice to be in the holiday season.

2006-12-24T04:14:00.000+08:00

thanks to all u people who've given me pep talks over this week. and if your bet was that we'll be back in a few days, so far u're still losing your bet.

damn damn confused, over him and over the stupid brokers. i kinda enjoy the freedom, i havent had the chance to go out every night all wk for so long.

mon - dinner with the old branch ppl
tues - beer with a tpb
wed - MOS til 6am thurs morning. *sober*
thurs - beer with the loudmouth beng.
fri - dinner and gossip with yl.

but i dunno whether we can work out... argh. i definitely wont take him back if he doesnt resolve the money issue betw us. and i'll try to be less domineering i suppose. IF we get back tghr. i met him tonight to pass him a letter i wrote. figured its a easier way to tell him how i feel without getting into a 3hour argument. its so weird meeting him, we didnt hold hands didnt kiss hello. felt like strangers yet it feels so familiar looking at him, the tshirt shorts and slippers i've seen so often.

i need to get teddy bear out of my head. i've heard the new trainee is HOT. as in GORGOEOUS HOT. (excuse my spelling. its 4.20am and i dunno how to spell that and i cant be bothered) and with the beng and my mentor on leave of coz its up to the ever-reliable teddy bear to coach her. i havent heard from teddy bear since last wk's pub session and i didnt bother contacting him too. I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!

going out with the beng on thurs was a bad idea. i told him straight to his face that i dont do one nights anymore, since he decided to ask. and jess has said that the only thing a guy of that age would be interested in a girl like me for, is jus sex. i know. im not stupid. but i've had enuf sex propositions this week to almost make me feel like a prostitute. and after i talked to him he's acutally quite a nice sweet guy underneath that beng exterior. but wth, i'll prob nv see him again anyway so i should jus forget it. i should make it my new year resolution to NOT HAVE ANYMORE CONTACT FROM THE SHOP PEOPLE EVER.

-he- is back. so weird. its been a year. and -he-, whom i first dedicated this blog header to... i have no more interest in -him- at all. he's proposed meeting up twice this week already and i jus got so fed up jus now, i was like "i dont do that anymore. you and i both know what we were in for, and you only ever talk to me when you're in the mood for it. so since i'm telling you now that im tired of playing, you dont have to talk to me again". W, if u read this u'll prob be so proud of me that all the sense you knocked into my head a year ago has finally gone in haha.

the whole clan is going viet in a few hours. and so its gg to be a lonely xmas eve. am so not close to any cousins anymore and B isnt around. i mean its my fault he's not around lah. so its going to be a day of running errands til evening when i head out to the drinking session with the clique.

read my cousin's blog and she mentioned how xmas has like no more effect on her. same goes for me. when i look at people buying xmas presents and all, i feel so distanced from it all. even xmas carols have no effect on me ever since chris mentioned it makes santa sound like a paedophilic freak. "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." to me its basically more like an excuse to do some heavy drinking now. when i was in sec sch and used to spend xmas in san fran for a few years straight, its so nice to be in union sq with the carols and the lightings, to go into macy's and neiman marcus where u seriously get the xmas vibe. in SG, all u get is the human and vehicle jams everywhere.

trying to pack next wk as well, to ward off the loneliness and to utilise my last wk of freedom b4 i start work. with a lousy 15days of annual leave only damnit. i wish sometimes i dont have such a great memory for details. teddy bear has been v surprised by me several times coz i remember small details. like who works where, lives in which condo, wears rings on which finger kinda thing. i've said it'd serve me well in consumer banking coz when u talk to cx you can ask "so how's your trip to aussie" or "hows your daughter in law's broken ankle" kinda shit. makes the cx feel like you do care....thats why its called personal banking haha.

teddy bear was amazed i cant remember trading/broking terminology which to them is as easy as breathing. but i can remember such small details. coz i do remember that teddy bear is throwing a party at a private room at MOS on eve-of-eve. aka a wk from now. of coz that night in the pub last wk he was pretty high and he did say "go lah". but i also know for sure he wont remember he said that. seriously, why do i even care, why do i even bother. i feel damn dumb sometimes.

over hte last few hours on MSN, have seen many frens change their nicks to something with "merry xmas" in it. well, yeah. its xmas eve already. merry xmas everyone.

2006-12-18T01:18:00.000+08:00

its been 3 and a half years and its finally over... we broke up.

still feeling infinitely sad... feeling a mixture of sadness and anger. we had a long talk on the phone this afternoon and i was begging him to come back. he didnt want to. after he left last night, i felt this immense sadness and this huge void inside. its like a part of me is gone after he left. yes i told him to leave. but i was angry, i was angry wiht myself that i screwed up the 2nd round of that job i want so badly. and he chose the wrong time to bring up a touchy topic.

my brain is so numb now that i dont know whether i regret asking him to leave or not. after i cried long and hard on the phone this afternoon, i told myself to straighten up and to stop crying. guys from the clique always said that i stayed with him coz i din wanna be alone...guys ure all wrong. i stayed wiht him coz i loved him. and i realised it too late.... i realised it only after he left.

on the phone this afternoon, he told me how unhappy he was. that he felt so restricted being with me coz i jus want to control everything and i want to make every decision. and he still doesnt understand why i felt so angry towards his sis's pregnancy. maybe i dont understand it myself, i really cant explain why. and i didnt bother anymore, coz it doesnt matter already.

i just somehow feel that im going to be an old maid. there is no one out there that i want to be with. ive been sitting in front of the tv alone the whole evening... funny how my thoughts kept going back to teddy bear. that i sort of miss him... that his new trainee is starting work tmr, that all the attention would go to the new girl... that i'd probably never see him for drinks again. im out of the circle. i still wonder why teddy bear asked me a funny question that night before he drank his portion of a glass of extremely strong whiskey that i had mixed and i was coaxing him to drink. he asked if i treated him as an ex-colleague or a fren.

i should stop thinking and try to sleep.

dearie... i have not called u that for almost the last 3 years. that just somehow wasnt our pet name for each other. its so confusing.. i miss u so badly and yet im too tired to ask if we might ever try again after we cool down. i dont know if i can ever manage to do anything right that might make you happy again. it seems as though the damage in this relationship is irreversible. yet i know that despite what everyone told me before, u were the one i'll have wanted to marry.

i just feel very very sad now that you've left. and very sad that we've come this far and yet we didnt make it. if we had lasted til this time next year we might have gotten engaged. i always thought we were meant to be, that after taht strong attraction after engin camp 5 and a half years ago, we went our own ways for 2 years after that before we got tghr. i'll miss you baby..

2006-12-16T00:25:00.000+08:00

was reading thru my last few blog entries and i realised that i have a habit of relishing all the details of the nights out with the shop people... its as though i want to preserve those memories in stone so that it'd be there forever - you know how memories tend to fade over time. and why would i want to do that? it jus adds to hte confusion... im so smart right. im already confused and i jus managed to make myself more confused

2006-12-15T23:25:00.000+08:00

in a bloody bored stoned mood...i cant believe its friday night and i dont feel like going out.

somehow jus v sian...there's nothing good to buy in the shops too. mango sale... nothing good in the A/W sale. As usual. usually its hte S/S sale in june that i have a major budget blow out. simply coz i love light pieces that are more wearable than knits and wools and tartan and plaid. and i refuse to go shopping in town for the stupid annual late-night shopping the friday b4 christmas. bloody crowded and a freaking waste of my time.

i have a job offer from yesterday's interview. im happy i have an offer but its nt what i really want... what i really really want is the one im going 2nd round for tmr. i want it sooooo bad. freaking nervous about it.

i went out wiht the brokers again last night. the ah-beng one from. actually didnt wanna go when one of them asked me the night b4 but i was damn happy at that point coz i found out i made it to the 2nd round of the above mentioned interview and i also jus got a confirmation of the 8am mango sale. so he msged at that point in time and i jus said yes.

was surprised to see this other broker on my desk there... excuse me, my ex-desk. i dont know why i still say '"my desk my desk" when their new trainee is already starting work this coming monday. i still feel a little sore and jealous...sigh..

so anyway, this broker i said i was surprised to see... lets call him teddy bear. when he msged me in the evening to tell me that my ex-boss wasnt keen on taking me back. i was quite fed up coz my mentor already told me that over lunch this week. and last week too. so its old news to me...and he asked if i was going drinking so at that point i guessed he was going to the same drinking session i got asked out for. he didnt believe me til he saw me walk into the pub behind the ah-beng broker. haha...

so we chatted and drank and i smoked...i told teddy bear i'll leave in an hour coz i dont know anyone there except him and the beng. i recognised quite a few brokers there but i had my hair in a different style so i dont think they recognised me at first. so teddy bear said the married broker would be coming too later and when he did come in i could tell he was slightly gone already. i told teddy bear that im going to cut down smoking and drinking.... that if my bf proposes over this coming year then i'll definitely clean up my act.

the beng broker has claimed that he likes me bt i NEVER believe him...coz brokers are all great story tellers and liars and everytime i see hte beng he's drunk. so he was saying there's 2 obstacles to us.... my bf and the age gap betw us. he asked how old i was...then he told me he's 18years older than me! haha... i think he got quite jealous that i spent quite a bit of time talkng to teddy bear when he was the one who asked me out.

by midnight i realised i was damn sober and everyone else was pretty gone. so i started pouring chivas for myself...knocked back a couple of glasses then started making teddy bear and the married broker drink with me. i then started talking to teddy bear wiht my arms happily loped around his neck... i think he was gone but he was saying stuff like how i deserve better than my bf, that no guy is ever worth cutting myself over. and then something like "dont think i am not attracted (or something liddat) i actually am. just that i control myself". that came out after he kissed my cheek and he also said something like "im gone already....i already kissed u".

that brings me to the point... i've asked this question so many times and i have never gotten a clear answer. when ure drunk is what u say what u really feel? or is it jus drunken rubbish that u'll nv remember in the morning? think teddy bear's should be drunken rubbish coz he told me there's been so many times he drink until he cant remember what happened. but when i left him last night he still looked ok leh... hmmmm.

teddy bear to me is like an elder brother on my desk...in a way i see him like how i see my mentor jus that i only talk to teddy bear over drinks and my mentor over lunches. and my mentor is probably nicer to me that teddy bear too. but when i put my arms ard his neck and we just chat... it feels v comfortable. for the first time, i saw him wearing a ring on his wedding ring finger last night and i asked "eh u suddenly got married ah". he was damn surprised i noticed coz no one else had noticed it.... he said its for girls to notice that he's married so any flings or watever, the girl will jus know its for fun coz it'd imply he has a wife. i laughed my head off coz i have never seen him pick up a girl yet for the times i've drank with him. ok once, at st james that time. but it was an ex fling of his and i happened to know he went home alone coz i saw him get into a cab alone that night LOL.

arggghhhhhhhh... i think im thinking too much about things these days. esp about hte job... i should stop fretting over whether i get the one i reaaally want. but its a bloody big investment bank!!!! it'd look soooo good on my resume loh. and i know nothing will ever come out of me and teddy bear, or me and the married broker, or me and the ah-beng. i should go analyse the characters of teddy bear and the married broker.... like why i'll be attracted to them. they're very good frens and there must be something right about them that i should look for in the guy i want. and fyi, they both dont like ah-beng. personality clash. hahaha...

to add to the confusion, i was out jus now for a couple of hours with 3 guys from the clique. bloody dont understand y all the clique guys have great fun dissecting my love life and all the guys that come and go. they all think the guys who keep asking me out are plain dumb....pengz. but again it went back to why im still wiht my bf when we have so many problems.... they saw the cuts on my hand and being the medics they were they analysed the recent scars. sigh... but why why why.... they jus add to my confusion and now my brain is whirling nonstop and i somehow cant seem to make my thoughts sit down and be quiet so i can figure out what exactly is going on and what i should do.

sometimes i dont want to go out wiht the brokers anymore... it brings back bittersweet memories. but u know why i love going out wiht them.... they're a mature bunch... think easily 13-18 years older than me. the way they drink, how they drink, how they talk and all taht... its so different from my frens. now i can see why W once said marc is full of hot air. W is 6 years older than me... i guess coming from a more mature point of view, u can tell when someone younger is uncertain of themselves and need a confidence boost. i illlustrated this point to someone yesterday (shit i cant remember who i was talking to... i think alcohol is really killing my brain cells) like how when we look at a 18 year old kid now, there's so much stuff we can see about them that they themselves cant see. u can see when they're blowing hot air, that they try to make themselves sound more important than they really are sometimes.

so yeah...im swimming in a bloody mess of confusion right now. anyone want to give me some idea what i should do/

2006-11-30T10:21:00.000+08:00

after my exam on sunday i need to go straighten my life out. for many reasons..

somehow not having a job bugs me big time, i dont know why. i feel that sometimes when i talk to people they're like, are you working yet? or bumming? are u still taking a break? it grates on my nerves after a while coz i feel that people are judging me for the fact that im not working but studying for an exam they probably dont understand. its so bad that it distracts me at times when i really need to sit down and study, and its even giving me insomnia. having insomnia is a seriously bad sign coz im usually a pig. lie down i'll fall asleep within 20seconds. yet im having trouble sleeping these few nights. its starting to affect my appetite too.

i have been wanting to get into fx since june or july...its hitting dec and im still stuck here. was jus stoning in front of hte comp last night thinking if i should jus forget it and settle for some job that i no longer have interest in. like commercial banking or watever...the problem is after having been in a moving market for that one and half weeks, im so dead set on wanting to work in a market again that i have lost all drive and motivation to ever run for sales in a slower moving environment again.

and i know i should stop hoping to get back into the shop. soooo many people think im mad for wanting to get back in, the people on my desk included. i know they're still interviewing people to hire. i know the specifications: girls only, betw age 20 and 25 and must be pretty enough. i know i'll be damn jealous when they finally hire coz it means that im out of the loop for good. that all the people that used to tease me and train me will be teasing and training someone else.

i should finally stop being so dense and finally listen to what everyone has been telling me. people in the shop have been so reluctant whenever i tell them that i want to get back in after my exams, that i should wake up my ideas and listen. we dont want you back, you left after one and half weeks and we're interviewing candidates to replace you. which part of that do you not understand?

i know i should put those memories behind me.. i dont want to see those people again. almost like breaking up but it'd probably help me move on in this aspect. i miss that married guy... he's been on my mind constantly ever since that night but i know that he was probably jus high from the alcohol and to him im jus some small kid. i would just look back at november 2006 and say hey, its been a bittersweet month. opened my eyes up to a different world. met a lot of interesting people and got to see a whole new world. why is it that everyone is judging me for the mistake i made, that its all my fault for not asking to start at the shop in dec after my exams? it probably shows how mercenary the working world is. one mistake and you're out, you cant ever go back.

but why doesnt anyone see it my way too, that it was hard for me to decide to give up a new job for my studies? it was really the point of either i work and fail, or i quit and give the exam my best shot. everyone jus says its stupid of me to have started working straight away. maybe i jus am stupid lah, i have 3days left to my exam and im still failing the mock papers. that i took so long to pick up concepts in the shop when other trainees tell me they were put on the link on their 4th day at work.

i think at this point, only my bf understands me, either that or he jus isnt adding his comments. i have been hiding away from frens, coz for the first time in a long while i feel that you guys dont understand me either. W was especially blunt online last night, he was like "you just dont perservere or you're too lazy or you just cant get hired". yeah maybe i am stupid and lazy and im spoilt but why does the whole world expect me to have a vision of what i want to do in life right now? im only freaking 24 years old, why cant the world jus give me a bit of leeway to explore things and see what i want? everyone's like "you got to know what you want " "you got to ask youself what you want". HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW!?!?!?! do i look like i've worked long enuf or seen enuf of the world to know what the fuck i want?????

i cant believe that 3 days before my exams im sitting here crying as i type coz the fact that i dont have a job is affecting me so much. so maybe i should jus ask myself when i should stop chasing a dream and jus settle for something else. everyone in the shop said "you can find a better job than this, go work in a bank". the fucking problem is that i CANT find anyone who will give me a chance to start and learn. i turned down all the commercial banking jobs coz i feel that its really difficult to work hard at a job u feel no passion for.

to the guys in the shop: i know none of you will ever read this coz i'll never be stupid to give you my blog link. but thanks for the good times, sweet and short as they were. its time i moved on.

2006-11-25T09:20:00.000+08:00

last night went out with the people from the shop again. heh i somehow cant stay away from them. went to pick up ciggies from one of hte guys on my desk and that progressed to a quick session of drinks at boat quay. same place as usual so met all the other people he usually hangs out with and i've met them a couple of times previously.... they prob were wondering what this girl was doing. quit already and still keep going back!

anyway. after that progressed to st james power station. first time i've been there...never wanted to go coz i heard from w previously that one of hte places in there was quite cheena and that was echoed by the guys i was with. but heck lah jus go since i didnt have anywhere better to go. ran into one of hte bankers previously from my branch and he was like...eh why u also come to this kinda place!

so anyway, the music inside dragonfly can only make it when they're playing my retro dance favourites in english.. almost mambo-ish but without the good mixing.. they just simply played the songs. when the mandarin songs come out i can faint loh. but anyway, time really flies when u're having fun. was really shaking my booty when a whole stream of pop/R&B came on and danced with a few different guys in our group there. they were all like, wah this girl can dance man! eh so-and-so take her to the dance floor lah! funny, when i dance wiht a younger crowd aka my usual people, i never danced like this before.

had my hair in a ponytail for most of hte night but after a while of really shake-your-body dancing i just released the hair clip and let me hair down. didnt do it on purpose to attract people but i also know its the kinda thing guys love.. you know where a girl jus releases her hair from a ponytail and lets it down. where she's dancing and simply having fun and you can tell she's having a great time. happened to be dancing with this married guy i kinda like (under point 2 of "stupid things" below) and he said something along the lines of how he loved it.

stupid things i've done for the night:

-force feed some guy (apparently he's from another shop in the industry but my guys didnt know him) whiskey-soda. as in mouth-to-mouth. after that the guy from my desk told me dont be so close to someone they dont know and anyway he's just from another shop and not a client. so like dont waste time on him kinda thing haha..

-there's this (married) guy from my shop but not my desk. kinda find him attractive somehow. we were kinda holding hands abit, but didnt kiss him. jus let him kiss me, as in pecks. not french. hmmmm and he's def younger than the guy i kissed in the prev blog entry, prob a few years younger only but on the other hand this one is the jiak-kantang kind. my kinda people basically. and defnitely better build, he's almost as tall as my first bf and got a not-bad body for someone in that age group.

but whatever lah, he's married and im tired of playing too.

after hanging out wiht them i can see what they mean by "after work, everyone's equal". its almost a motto there. your boss isnt your boss anymore but just another one of you. when i first got to dragonfly, my ex-boss's boss was there and he had his arm around me when he was talking to me. and later in the night, my ex-boss himself came down and was like "oei what are you doing here!?!?! u're supposed to be studying!". he was with a really pretty girl which someone else confirmed is not his wife lah. but according to the guy on my desk, whatever happens on nights out, no one ever brings it up in the office. you see, you know, and you dont talk about it. shop's code of honour. that i like.

2006-11-15T12:01:00.000+08:00

i quit my job. ahahaha. shortest employment in history - less than 2 weeks.

not htat i wanna sound so fantastic coz i have a degree or im studying for cfa. but the people there are very "lao beng" and u can basically work there without a degree or diploma. which describes a lot of people there. but somehow i feel that i can do better...even doing sales in the bank previously, its a lot more sophisticated and upmarket somehow compared to being with these "lao bengs".

but i must say that they are actually very nice people. feel that i really let my mentor down coz he taught me stuff and was so patient and yet he kinda felt htat i wasnt cut out for the job. yest during lunch with my mentor and this other guy on my desk who shoots his mouth off all the time... the loudmouth was saying im luckier than the prev trainee coz people in general like me, and like how the fella on our desk who brings in the most business likes me more than he liked the prev trainee... that he treated me a lot better than he treated the prev girl. and my mentor didnt argue with that (and i really trust my mentor, he's so different from the rest of the crowd there) so i supposed that was true and perhaps im just luckier in that sense.

long and short of it. i suppose i have kinda enjoyed working there despite the occasional criticism that i dont pay enough attention and i do my own stuff like studying or talking too much on msn. maybe im just too used to the freedom and privacy we had while working in consumer sales. and maybe if i had to i'll try to change... as in to be more obedient and pay attention and maybe less stubborn...watever.

last night went out for drinks with them for hte last time....and some clients too. my mentor was so nice..he doesnt drink yet he came along for a while since it was my last day. we all then hopped down to the same pub as last friday to continue drinking after we finished one bottle of whiskey. had fun lah...think we all drank quite fast and quite strong drinks. so everyone kinda let down their hair a whole lot more than i have seen them do at other drinking sessions. perhaps i went a bit overboard...loudmouth tried to kiss me and i obliged. which led the top business fella on our desk to sms me after i left "hope u know what u were doing. still alot of sober people around". DAMN!

hope that gossip doesnt go around and that i dont get a bad rep on this. i know that kissing friends or kissing friends' friends are ok but not when these people are work related. i know it was my last day lah but i never know where im going to end up next time right? i might just run into these people again one day for work related stuff. anyway, end of hte night i was freaking gone and puked quite a lot of times already... had to go out to the back alleys to puke and excused myself by saying that i needed to go out to talk on the phone. unfortunately the last time i puked, i was surrounded by a bunch of people from our shop and i had to jus break thru them and dash out saying that i needed to puke. and i didnt go back in. ruined my rep of being able to drink. but have not been that gone ever since sales retreat in july.

ok i better go study. sigh. less than 3wks to exams!

2006-11-02T13:49:00.000+08:00

im starting work tmr. so today is the last time on a weekday i can blog and go online etc. coz i saw the room we work in..there is blardy NO computer. just a load of complex buttons phones and systems for us to talk to the traders.

anyway. yest i went to bathe and left one of my phones on the sofa. came out to find mog looking very sneaky...long and short of it mog stole my phone and was playing wiht it on the sofa. confiscated my phone then realised he's STILL eating something. looking very sneaky still. so yeah, presenting my spoilt phone cover. its leather coating outside hence he really wrecked it.

see all the tooth marks!
cost me 26bucks thereabouts to replace the cover.

and then here's the guilty little culprit. ain't he soooooooooo cute?????

2006-11-02T08:27:00.000+08:00

i got really annoyed by this irritating guy who's trying to ask me out and probably doesnt have much EQ.

lets not talk about how he always is too serious and whatever... almost makes me feel that he doesnt have much of a sense of humour. if i wanted to be mean, i'll call it desperate.

so i got a missed call from the fella and i didnt wanna call back, so i texted him
"hey u called?"

his reply came back
"yup i did"

like DUHZZZZZZZZZZ.... people who have some inkling of cow sense plus EQ would have said "yup i did, .....for whatever reason....". but noooooooo, this guy has to give me this donkey reply. if i really wanted to be mean, i'll just ignore him and not bother replying. i mean, since you dont wanna tell me why u tried to call me then i shant be bothered.

dunno y im nice enough to actually bother texting back
"wassup"

and then on it went... sheesh this is the wrong guy to toy with seriously. he's too serious and too desperate. each time we text, irregardless of what i have said in my first text, he'll chiong back with a reply "wanna meet up?"

hellllllllloooooooooo.... how desperate can u get!?!?!?! i know ure old lah but my dear old buddy mr liew aka mr-full-of-crap-suan-us-til-we-die is just a few years younger than you and he is nowhere near desperate man. =)

i complained about all this in a private msn window to mr liew last night (since the other people in the common msn window will probably know this guy and i dont wanna be publicly mean yet) who of coz ridiculed the guy even more and made me laugh it off.

i used to say back in my young young small kid days in uni, that out of every guy i've been with , i learnt something about my ideal guy. whether its a trait i want or dont want... like through D i learnt that i wanted a guy who was mature, not childish and idealistic. through C i learnt that i wanted chemistry between me and my guy. off -him- ... yes maybe i learnt something too. but compared to Mr Irritating now, i learnt that i need a guy who knows how to go after a girl properly, who will sometimes let nature take its own course like how me and B got tghr. and i definitely need a guy with some humour, who can be funny and make me laugh sometimes. now i know what they mean when they say being too serious when u've just met can scare the other party away.

funny, i've met C one-on-one more frequently in the past couple of weeks than i probably have in the entire last year. he still makes me laugh. suans the hell out of me sometimes (can really rival some of the other guys in The Clique). listens to my ranting about B (but i know it can get annoying so i try to shut up about that topic). and puts humour into funny dreadful situations like last friday at insomnia. btw, C's vote on Mr Irritating after meeting him, was "strange". i laughed my head off.

2006-10-30T01:33:00.000+08:00

had a fucking happening weekend.

dont ask me where who what yada yada yada. cannot say one.

just wanted to record this down. the first and last time it would ever happen.

2006-10-23T11:18:00.000+08:00

happy belated bday to me!!!!!!!!!!

the best present to myself - i got a job offer. freaking low pay, got to start work at an ungodly 730 am and got to entertain alot! u ever heard of going for interviews where all 3 rounds they ask u whether u're a drinker and how good a drinker u are?!?!?

so anyway, i slept my whole bday away. then went drinking from 7pm to 5am hahahaha. so typical me right.

started at 7pm when i went eski bar with hs.

then shangri-la blu with w and b.

then i hit...

with a bunch of ppl from my ex-bank that i know but dont often hang out with. ok lah was fun. kissed one of them in front of the whole table hahaha. then yl was there with her bank, so we got 2 guys from the LT clique to come down too. spent the night running ard betw the 2 bunches.

was a fun night...nice way to celebrate my bday considering i didnt plan a single shit for it.

2006-10-18T13:42:00.000+08:00

here's some snippets of a fucking funny conversation betw me and w.
it prob wont look that funny on msn, but its for me in future when i feel down/depressed/upset so that when i read this it'd bring a smile to my face again.
was literally laughing my head off.

-look at my previous post, u'll be sure to know which one is me-

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
im still damn amused by my msn nick

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
u know why??

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
y

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
have u seen a bored fish though they stay in a fish tank??

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyne!!!!!!!!!

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
freaking ass u

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
everytime u swim pass u will wooo thats a new place woo

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyne!

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
wooo thats an interesting nick

and then planning for drinks

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
so late? go earlier lah

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
then u get drunk faster then can go home faster

i am very shy, and i cannot drink one .. says:
i wont get drunk idiot

Am shuddering with Boregasm says:
yah never seen a fish overdose on water

2006-10-16T09:05:00.000+08:00

Do u believe me?

hahaha...thats what i went around telling people over the weekend. the v shy part came was when wayne asked me to join his colleagues if i wanted to drink and i refused...quoting the very shy reason. cannot drink - spouted out of my mouth sometime in zouk on friday.

if u know me, u'll know that its utter rubbish. a totally blatant lie. from the responses i got from so many, yeah i think u guys know me well. the best way to put it is to quote wayne on msn last night: "shy my ass, cannot drink my freaking ass."

this is funny..i shall put this on my msn nick for the next few days.

i wanna go drink again! didnt drink enough on friday night and was in the wrong attire to go zouk on saturday with charles. hmmmm...

anyway, bought mog 2 shirts yesterday, since he's grown too big to look good in his older clothes. thought this "spoilt rotten" one suits him perfectly.

2006-10-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

kinda feeling better after jus chilling for 2 days. anyway finally decided to load some pics of mog.. so for those of u who complained that there's no recent pics of mog...

*btw yx, thanks for calling from aussie. but he was around so it wasnt convenient to talk... if u called to scold me for breaking my promise to not cut myself again, sorry ok. but call me back when u see this*

and here's ah mog on national day. still looking tiny...

here's his infamous watermelon house which i bought after eyeing it in the pet shop for a week. and yes peeps, he loves it. faithfully sleeps in this everynight (and the watermelon has migrated from the kitchen to my bedroom. so this incredibly spoilt fella sleeps in the watermelon at night, and when he wakes up at daybreak to find one of my goosefeather pillows on the floor, he comfortably hops onto it and snoozes. that sure is a good life for a dog...)

lookin' like a meercat with untrimmed ear fur...

and here's ah mog's most recent pic, taken couple of days back. he's now so big that he cant fit into the abovementioned national day shirt. and he's gone from dog size 1 to size 2... so this yellow adidog shirt is the only shirt he can currently wear out of all his clothes. that polka dotted thing on the floor is his new toy. its a fish shaped toy... this fella has enough toys to leave one lying in every room of the apartment.

and a random shot of me, untouched up and un-photoshopped.

this dress was interesting....its actually not a dress but a skirt. which i got tired of wearing and one day a couple of mths back when i had no clothes to wear, i fashioned it into a halter empire-cut dress and went to work liddat. also another unphotoshopped picture and it was the end of a long day so no comments on whether i look ugly fat tired watevershit.

and to show off the small kid in me (and wayne. a small kid in my case is NOT a baby lamb!!! haha...) this is what i bought mths ago when i went to candy empire with wayne. damn cute right...haha... it now sits on my kitchen sink.

2006-10-09T11:46:00.000+08:00

spent the whole weekend arguing since saturday night. and its already monday lunchtime and i still dont feel its settled. it started off when i brought up the subject of marriage and asked him if he sees us being tghr in the future. and when he said he doesnt know, i got quite pissed. after so long, if he doesnt know whether he sees a future then im speechless.

and the whole thing dragged on and on...

basically by evening yesterday he wanted to go home for dinner, and he made quite a few nasty remarks b4 he left. so i was so pissed when he left that i went back to my old habit of cutting my hand. well only cut once coz the knife was new and i didnt know it was that freaking sharp. so when i told him about it and he at first said he'll come back the same night to see me. (his original intention was to spend the night at home)

anyway, when he came back he still wasnt happy with me and made me pay him the cab fare. its quite sad to think of it, coz its like im not even worth a cab fare. i know im definitely worth more than that. but why am i worth so little to him? it makes me tear when i think of it.

im like so so tired of this... im right now in the phase where if something isnt making progression, then its time to switch out. thats y i left my job, and prob thats y i want to leave him too. so many of u are right, that each time i say i want to leave him i end up taking him back. but this time is for real, we both admitted we're unhappy and considered splitting so seriously that we both cried. so yeah, maybe this would be the real thing.

he doesnt understand y i feel so strongly against his sister abt her pregnancy, and the best way i could put it to him was: u made me abort 2 kids. and now ure so happy that she's pregnant. u wont ever understand how i feel, ure the one who still can have kids next time and maybe i wont be able to. how do u expect me to feel happy for her when the last op was exactly a year ago?

and when i went totally psycho on him, i screamed this phrase. "you wont ever be able to return those two to me".

yes, if ure reading this i know i look and sound totally nuts. bt maybe its a combination of being restless from not working and staying alone all day, and the fact that maybe i've been unhappy with him for blardy long. but put urself in the same shit that i am and maybe u'll feel the same way too.

2006-09-22T13:48:00.000+08:00

teddy bears at work.

climbing over my laptop....

playing soccer....

and the general mess in betw the tables.

i'll miss this place somehow i guess...i've already tendered yesterday so a month from today i'll be outta here.

2006-09-16T12:24:00.000+08:00

had a wild night last night.

went out with a fren and his group of frens, i dont know what spurred me to say i'll go, coz i dont like hanging out with a group of people where i only know one person. well after the first half hour, when the drinks came, everyone loosened up. like a group of 20 and 4 bottles of liquor.

i actually could guess that by asking me out for drinks, he wanted something at the end of the night. thats why i was so wary, really didnt want to go in. but he paid for my entrance, and i didnt pay a single cent for liquor either. so i had no choice but to go in loh. anyway, i found one smart way to divert a guy's attn. im a devil when it comes to mixing the drinks for the guys, i poured more than 2/3 of chivas into a cup for him. with a miserable pathetic amount of mixer and then one of his frens poured some jim beam on top of that. and its one of the many cups for the night.

it got him damn blardy high (i was damn high myself). so of course, his hands start wandering, and his other guy frens also loosened up and chatted with me, sat down next to me etc. i admit i sound like a bimbo. but i like the attention =)

so at the end of the night, we went somewhere (shall not even post that up, sounds blardy humiliating even to me and my past exploits). but thankfully he had to much to drink and couldnt *ahem*. hee heee... thats why i said, to divert unwanted attention, get the guy damn freakin drunk. like what those guys said, a girl feed up drinks, u cannot dont drink right. esp when i empty my glass, they DEFINITELY have to empty theirs.

so now i need to go dig up that old post on how to remove lovebites instantaneously.

anyway, during the evening. (rather, night. we only started drinking after midnight, close to 1am). i realised that the way he acts with his frens really reminds me of -him-. maybe its soccer people, but it made me miss him last night.

anyway, i shall do a post again soon. wanted to wait til i loaded some pics b4 i blogged, but i wanted to tell this story haha. so hopefully i wont be so lazy and my next post will have pics in it liaoz. and i think this post sounds damn disjointed. my flow of thoughts are all jumbled up, partly coz of lack of sleep and partly coz i have a freakin headache cum hangover. keep thinking of last night, makes me cringe but also brings a smile to my face sometimes. weird huh.

2006-09-10T09:18:00.000+08:00

feeling super grouchy. last night he dropped a news bomb, ok not really a bomb lah but i took it badly but hiding it. his brother proposed to the gf and his sis is preggers.

it jus made me start thinking about MY future. like is he ever gonna propose anytime soon? and esp the part about his sis... she wasnt even intending to have a kid yet. brought out the fear and paranoia in me that i might never have kids esp since my body is prob screwed up by the prev 2 operations. so sometimes i feel that if im never gonna be able to have kids, i might as well smoke and drink as and when i want to correct?

my only consolation is that at this pt, i can still drink as much as i want. like friday night's drinking session, skipped dinner with colleagues coz i didnt feel like entertaining them. so went out for pre-bday drinks with hs, i like the tray packed with shots, chain-smoking an entire pack betw the 2 of us kinda shit. i like having some of the cute guys at the roadshow outside my office talk to me, esp the cute one. hahaha.... any of u from branch reading this, dun rub it in manz.

so yeah.... would anyone be able to tell me that if i've had 2 ops previously, does it still affect me having kids in future?

2006-08-30T11:47:00.000+08:00

and then some more spain pics....

my fav dish of all time in spain...PAELLA! seafood paella to be exact..mmmmmmmm i love it manz...this one was from a restaurant, slightly more upmarket, at the POrt Olympic. but its goood..

and this was at Parc Guell, also Gaudi's work. that chimney sticking out there reminds me of a gingerbread house somehow...

and this is damn nice..artistic right. haha... the blue sky looks damn nice. mmmmmmm makes me wanna go suntan again....i miss the sun. already planning and saving for next year's europe trip....

and this is damn cool right! a clock in the middle of the street...its like 8:13pm but still damn bright. see the parts that light up...it tells u the hours and minutes.

and i love this pic....not extremely crazy about the fountain but it looks nice ya..

2006-08-30T11:28:00.000+08:00

ok here are more spain pics...been bugged long enuf to show more pics...bleagh....

thats a fruit market off La Rambla in Barcelona....happy sia i tell u everyday go there buy fruits to eat.

then this is La Pedrera in Barcelona....note the curvy lines of the structure, thats a very Gaudi concept...love his works. see, even the chimneys are curvy.

thats the spiral staircase in the Sagrada Familia, also by Gaudi... anyone who has seen barcelona pics will have seen this. Gaudi designed it to look like the spiral design on the back of a snail's shell...
and then this is the Port Olympic in Barcelona, where they held the water sports for the 1992 Olympics. wow i tell u, look at the yachts there, its amazing can...makes me wanna own one myself. if i have enough money to waste i'll take a boat liscence or watever the industry terminology is, and then maybe buy a yacht (yeah i'll continue dreaming) haha...

2006-08-29T11:22:00.000+08:00

wore this super bright orange-y/scarlett dress yesterday. very grecian-goddess like, looking at the way the straps twirl. got quite a bit of attention haha.

2006-08-24T15:20:00.000+08:00

just came back from a drive... guess where i ended up?

-his- place.

didnt mean to go there, just drove around and the next thing i know i was down the main street of -his- place. and since i was so bored and sleepy at work, memories somehow came back. i remember the first time i went there, still remember that when i left, -he- stood at one of the windows watching me wait for a cab. still remember one early morning when i left, -he- called me after i left the car park to give me directions to an area i was familiar with, so that i would know how to get home.

and up to now, i still wonder whether -he- liked me back then, whether we might have stood a chance if circumstances were right.

on a slightly brighter note, i went out for dinner with the older PBs last night. those i was close to, that i feel comfortable with and i can talk to. actually didnt really wanna go, was feeling damn sian somehow, but im glad i went in the end. some pics off tbh's phone...

and yes i will load the rest of my spain pics real soon.

2006-08-21T14:07:00.000+08:00

shit im going to be the last one left.

ewok has got an offer, so she'll tender today. im really excited for her that she's found something but im really the last one standing already! but over the weekend have decided that i will tender at the end of sept so that end oct i will leave the bank. and take nov to study for my cfa and dec to bum around and play and hopefully i will have a job in jan 2007. hahaha..

the way i "sold" my idea of not working in nov to god-ma and mother is that cfa exam is really expensive and the level one only comes twice a year and i dont want to fail it, and that i definitely have no time to study while i work. i mean i DO have time to study but like 2 pages per night or something liddat.

but yeahhhhhh.... why doesnt anyone want to hire me???

2006-08-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

before i put up the rest of my spain photos, i must record this night.

i got asked out by THREE guys tonight.

and every invitation came in the evening only. i actually didnt intend to go out tonight somehow (weird i know. im the friday night party animal coz its my only night of the week "free", so i would ALWAYS make sure i had some drinking session to attend). coz mother's flying off tmr morning and i left mog at my house so i wanted to go home to the house after class to see mother and bring mog back to the apartment. then i want to look for jobs or study, both of which i have no time to do this week somehow.

anyway, 2 of the invitations were kinda weird...came from guys i dont really talk much to. but the best one is this. *if u ever happen to read this blog, no offense to you, but the following im about to describe is probably a psychological reaction on my part and nothing to do with you* a guy fren asked if he could come over to my place tonight to drink. im usually ok with it, being the open-minded liberal creature i am. there was just a few things that i didnt feel comfortable with.

he asked if my bf was staying over tonight.
he stays way on the other end of the island and doesnt mind taking a midnight cab back after we drink.
he's bringing a wine which long ago i mentioned to him that i like.

yes i know it sounds quite normal. but it jolted me halfway thru class that i didnt feel very comfortable with it, in fact i felt wary. blame it on the not-very-nice experiences i've had in this year alone with a lone guy who comes over to my place late at night or in the wee hours of the morning to drink, or after drinking. we usually end up either *ahem* or almost there, with only me insisting and insisting and insisting that i didnt want to. so now im really wary of lone guys coming over late at night or early in the morning, even if they're frenz coz i've learnt that somehow i have male frenz who in a state of drunkedness or not-so-drunkedness who want to screw me. i think the only male fren i trust is w. (have told u that b4 btw, and i really meant it. i think even my oldest guy fren i cant trust somehow in that sense)

so i'm very good, i turned down all 3 invitations nicely and rescheduled them to other days this coming week. which in the meantime made me realise there's tons of frenz that i actually would like to meet up with and catch up but there just isnt time in a busy life (altho i am not that busy in the office lah. i jus end up with stuff to do or whatever.....time jus flies somehow without me getting resumes sent out or studying for a solid period or spending time with mog).

maybe i should sit down and ask myself if i have somehow changed my mentality. am i getting old? i used to be so liberal and everything was ok ok ok, until recently when i started having more doubts.

2006-08-08T09:21:00.000+08:00

came back from spain on sunday. so since im still enjoying my leave i shall slowly post up pics.

b4 i start, let me give some recommendations to people who wanna travel in europe without much hiccups.
1. even if you're not backpacking for real, carry a backpack rather than drag along a suitcase. after amsterdam and italy last year and spain this year, i'm damn glad i carried a backpack on all those trips. streets are not as smooth as spore, and most of the time you're walking along cobbled stone paths which is NOT condusive for happily dragging a suitcase like in spore. plus when you're running to catch a train or need to change metro lines, you'll be walking up and down tons of stairs. carrying a backpack is definitely easier.

2. go buy your supply of water from a supermarket. wanna know how cheap it is? a 5liter bottle of water cost approx 0.6euros, approx SG$1.20. on the other hand, a 6pack of beer also costs around 0.6euros. so beer drinkers, there you go. buy your beer from a supermarket and store in your hotel room fridge. saves you lots of $ on beverages spent outside.

3. in spain, try to pick a hotel on the main streets. just veer off the main street into a side street and you can suddenly find youself in a quiet seedy street. creeps me out which is y i hated exploring the side streets in barcelona and madrid. lucky in barcelona, my hotel is along the main street (La Ramblas. its definitely the happenin' street around.) and madrid as well (pick something along Preciados or Gran Via)

ok now im going to put up random pics. in case the stupid blog is too huge to load, i shall do it in 2 parts. **sorry for the misalignment of the pics but stupid website cant load pics properly**

PART 1 - BARCELONA

the MUST-SEE in barcelona- the Sagrada Familia.

go look it up on the net to read its history, im not going to blog that.

before you go into the structure itself, note the pillars outside. the foot of the pillars each is a turtle. so he thinks the turtle here wants to drink some water...haha..

never thought i'll see the day where i'll wear a toga top again. but it was damn freaking cheap - H & M (a US store) was having 70% off this piece so i paid only 3.75euros for it.

this was taken at the top of Parc Guell. another must-see after the Sagrada Familia. when you go there, everyone queues to take a picture with that famous mosiac lizard/gecko. damn hard to get a moment alone with it! anyway if u want this fantastic city view with the Mediterranean in the background, climb up the little path all the way to the top.

and i didnt realise ALL shops are closed on sundays (except the tourist souvenir shops and restaurants). so on sunday afternoon when we wandered into the shopping center at Port Vell AGAIN (we like went there everyday in Barcelona) i was so happy to realise the shops were open! so greedy me jumped into mango to buy all the cheap tops i was eyeing over the last few days. right after i walked out of the shop i realised i lost my sunglasses! tmd! i loved that pair altho it cost me only 10bucks at Marine Parade. anyway i used it as an excuse to buy this white retro Mango pair. love it =)

2006-07-25T08:10:00.000+08:00

so blardy tired... slept damn late last night trying to book tickets for the spain trip. the website is dumb, the english translation still has spanish words inside! so i have to go translate all the terms to make sure i don't book the wrong thing and then the transaction took 3 tries to go through. anyway, just sent him out and i DEFINITELY CANNOT BE LATE FOR WORK TODAY else i really dunno what my boss is going to do to me. so shall randomly post up pics here to keep myself awake.

some pictures from the sales retreat. havent bothered to decorate them neither have i finished downloading all of them from the huge mail of pics aly sent out.

anyway check out this cute pic below. its a schnauzer too, just that its not locally bred so its got standing-up-perky ears intead of the floppy ones i like. but this fella although he's realy naughty, is really sweet. think he spent the whole of his first year without much human contact, kept in a cage. so he really loves to be stroked and hugged.

ok i'll post up more pics tmr if i have enough time to. one of my most unprepared europe trips ever haha. and now i really need to go get ready for work else boss is seriously going to do something drastic to me.

2006-07-24T11:31:00.000+08:00

i seem to like blogging on monday mornings, maybe its coz i am always so damn bored at work. i hate this job, dread going to work everyday. its like i'm wasting my time here, i just want to go back home so that i can study and look for jobs in peace without switching windows everytime my boss walks by.

anyway, going to spain on wed. really really need this break, if not i cant imagine how i'm going to survive coming to work everyday, esp now that off days have been revoked.

friday night was at velvet with the LT10 people. actually its coz the guys have a gathering with their frenz and tz was nice enuf to ask me and sam along.

out of their frenz, one i have met and he's someone i can potentially like. but he's so aloof that yeah its damn blardy obvious he doesnt like me lah.

another guy, studying overseas. he's a very nice guy, interesting conversationalist. didnt talk to him at all til supper. we had a good conversation going til L showed up and tz and sam teased me, making me sound like a slut. so to say, there was not much conversation after that. but what a pity, he's a really nice guy i wouldnt mind getting to know.

finally. one of the guys' frenz. he was getting abit touchy-feely but i didnt think he'll try anything. tired of telling this story but i've never felt so helpless in my life. when your waist is being gripped so tightly u cant wriggle out, and your head is pulled back all the way until you feel that you might snap your spine. and no matter how u wriggle, you cant turn away from the kisses nor can you wriggle out of his grasp.

yes guys, some of you have said, y not slap him or jus step on his feet? after all, i was in my usual stilettos. but he's the guys' fren and i didnt want to make a scene.

whatever.

and at the end of the night, or should i say, saturday morning after the sun was shining brightly on my ass, i realised that i really have no more feelings for -him-. nothing emotional, even nothing physical. no lust, nothing. i think after he left, and i took that long to get over him, i really don't feel anything already. so yes, he's now just a memory of someone that i could really connect to, really click with. maybe time just wasnt on our side. and its probably time we moved on with life.

look at the bar at the top of this window you're reading. this phrase at the top, created when i set up my blog, was dedicated to -him-.

2006-07-17T10:43:00.001+08:00

bored in office on a Monday morning so shall post something.

yes chris, i have a rabbit AND a dog. they're both about the same size wahahaha... the dog's called mogwai (named after the gremlin he resembles).

sales retreat was not as fun as last year in my opinion. although this year i didnt get thrown in the pool like last year, i got damn smashed. mixed wine and beer (yes i know, it came to this pt where i was like, heck lah, just drink. u know u're going to get sloshed for mixing but just cant be bothered already). i remember walking ard toasting lots of people.

and the usual nonsense, the twins threw everyone that walked into their room into the bathtub and splashed them with water (so their room was completely soaked and wet beds and tons of rubbish in their bathtub). stories of people who were MIA the whole night (scandal scandal haha). and the obvious, people being thrown in the pool. yada yada yada..

apparently i was hugging some guy (*ahem) when my friends found me, and after that w threw me in his room and i refused to wake up. according to him, when he finally dragged me up and dragged me back into my own room, i was laughing all the way. oh, and i puked like 6x during the evening. according to ewok, i'm an irritating drunk and aly is a noisy drunk. hahaha.

all in all it was ok lah. definitely going to be my last retreat coz next july i sure as hell wont be here anymore. will put up photos once aly passes to us (if she ever gets around to uploading it in the first place).

2006-07-14T12:23:00.000+08:00

have not updated this blog for a looong time haha... like tons have happened in between.

still cant find a new job, changed bosses (to a very much nicer boss), but still here doing the same jackshit.

been sick for a whole week! have not been this sick for like a few years... so my july sales are way screwed.

and i bought a dog! impulse buy according to the rest of the people in my branch. but he's so cute. credit to jess coz she took this photo and i snagged it from her friendster.

and tmr is the sales retreat in JB again. i still remember last year's retreat clearly... really do miss the good old days with my batch. and now, so many have either left or transferred ard within the division... cant believe its been a year.

and im going to spain with him in 2 weeks time! really looking forward to that... so yeah i guess things now are still ok.

2006-06-10T10:48:00.001+08:00

think its really world cup fever coz me, someone who doesn't watch soccer at all, actually watched the opening match last night. =) heehee...

and after that, realised that when u think u've let go of someone and put the past behind you, your heart still skips a beat when you hear that there's like a teensy weensy chance you might get to see them agian. but i will go all out to ensure i dont see him again, it totally screwed up my life, my sales, my whole mentality. and i've (painstakingly) put my life back together again. i'm doing ok in my job (cross fingers) and i'm starting to study again. (CFA!!!!!) and i know he is not someone worth screwing up all this for again. time passes damn fast, although when i look back at it so much has happened in the meantime.

-----resolution------
now is really the time to focus on my career. i will stop playing with guys, and i will not go back to anyone i was once with.

2006-06-10T10:48:00.000+08:00

2006-06-03T13:44:00.000+08:00

went drinking with pat last night at new asia. 40 shots betw the 2 of us. and i will never drink 20 shots in a night again.

puked like crazy. seriously have never puked so much b4. surprisingly i didnt' have a hangover today. i shall lay off alcohol for a week =)

2006-05-30T09:04:00.000+08:00

feeling better this week compared to last week. think i've gotten over the THING that i was depressed about. =) thanks for all the pep talks given peeps.

listening to "push the button" by the sugababes.

I've been dropping so many hints
You’re still not getting it
Now that you’ve heard everything I have to say
Where we gonna go from here?

this phrase really stood out, granted its not the catchiest phrase in the song but looking at the lyrics, i remember y i liked this song so much back in jan this year. i think it really summed up what i felt. listening to this song always brings back memories about someone i still feel melachonic about. sometimes i miss u still, but i've gotten over you, and i'm sure u're having a great time out there.

the week started off quite well. closed 50k yesterday, parking it for june. so that takes away most of the stress i felt. and i spent 200 bucks at mango yesterday. LOL. so now i officially have 340bucks for the remaining 2.5 weeks until i get my pay.

all i need now is to find a new job. =)

2006-05-23T19:24:00.000+08:00

i'm someone who cannot tolerate a cheating partner. that much i found out. u know that very sick feeling when u find out that someone u care for/ like/ love has gone to bed with another girl? it literally comes like a punch to the stomach. and it made it very clear to me that i will never tolerate it, that i will never take that person back.

so yes, i guess this is how this chapter will end. it hurts, and it is painful, i wont deny it. but when i think of that person, that very sick feeling comes back, as clear as the instance i found out about him cheating <> kept saying that i will take my mind off that person, but whenever i am at work in the office, or using work to cover up the emotional trauma, i still think of him. bastard that he may be, but i still miss him, miss the times together.

but this time i will strengthen my resolve to forget him. i know there must be someone better out there, someone who really will care and will be there for me when i need him. and someone who isn't just out for sex. i just need to meet that person. and maybe its always this time of the day, but i feel very depressed again, once again to the extent of wanting to break down and cry. but i can't. i have to put on this mask and face the world and pretend that everything is alright. and i guess thats life for u.

2006-05-22T19:53:00.000+08:00

feeling really depressed today and for once its not about work. sales today quite good =)

but now i know what it feels like to take someone for granted.

that when the person is no longer with you, and u miss the person so much.

for someone u thought would always be there, and that person no longer is.

i miss u alot. i know that with your personality and mine, we will never work out as a couple. same case as what i went thru a few months back with another guy. but i miss the times u hugged me, the times in your arms when i felt so comfortable and secure. i miss u so much, and i'm not sure whats gone wrong. all i do know is that i'm so depressed i've felt like crying the whole day. and right now, i still do. i want to sit down and just sob and cry so that i'll feel better. the only thing stopping me, (sounding like a total utter bimbo), is face. literally. i still have to maintain a facade, with a calm face and fresh makeup, to see the world with.

its so ironic. why do we only appreciate what's good when it has left? memories are good to have, but better than memories are the present. i just wish u cared again, i just want to hold u again and to hug u, and to say, yes, maybe i really do care. just that i was too proud to show it.

i know i've said goodbye. but that's another part of my character i have not changed, something prof pointed out to me as well. i'm too rash when i say or do things, and i regret after that. and classic case now, yes i do regret what i said. i wish i didn't. and i wish, i wish, i wish that u'll still care about me.

2006-05-20T18:43:00.000+08:00

i realise i am a girl who needs lots of space. i hate it when guys are clingy. take mr tan for example.

today he kept calling and sms-ing me. sent stupid messages while i was working, like "you will never care for me again" (direct quote); and generally calling and bothering me while i was working. today wasn't a very free day for me - went in and out of the office to see customers and cleared a huge stack of paperwork in the short time i was in office. and mr tan kept calling and sms-ing in the afternoon, and now, when i'm about to see him in 45 min (unfortunately) he still wants to call and whine. i HATE IT WHEN GUYS WHINE!!!!!!!!!! and i hate it when guys are clingy. wth is your problem??????

finally snapped and screamed at him on the last phone call (which happened 4min after we got off the phone). when he's busy at work and i msg, he ignores it for hours. and when i call him, he can say "yes i saw your msg i'll reply you later". so what, you busy can lah then i'm busy cannot izzit??????? TMD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe i'm PMS-ing. would explain my crankiness with people who get too close and invade my personal space. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

right now all i'm interested in is to find a trading job. doing stocks, forex, derivatives, options, whatever. still alive in this sales job right now but i really do want to give trading a shot. and i'm not getting much help anywhere for this so i really have to do my own homework.

and the last thing i need is a guy who irritates the shit out of me and doesnt give me my own space. thank god the other person has gotten tired of me and left me alone. gives me one less thing to worry about.

2006-05-15T17:25:00.000+08:00

think some of u misunderstood my prev post... i did not do anything stupid ok. haha....

still in a bit of a mess but at least i have a better understanding of what to do. spoke to prof on thurs night tghr with yx, and i would say prof can actually understand my character quite well. he analysed my character for me (and both me and yx agree that what he said is pretty true). and sam knocked some sense into my head over the weekend as well.

to one fren - i dont want to name names since i dont know who might read this, but i think u'll know who u r. i honestly dont know what ure thinking. u know jolly well that the girl might be making use of u, and u said as much yourself a few months back. yes i know love dies hard, but there's a difference betw being blinded by love and just being plain stupid. i've known u for many years and sorry to say this, pal, but hanging out with her so much these days is one of your stupidest decisions i've ever seen u make.

i know u'll criticise me for the way i'm handling my own life, and i know u'll tell me that she thinks im screwed up as well. frankly i dont give a shit what she thinks. simply coz i cannot stand that girl. if i know u well enough, u're harbouring hopes of getting back with her and that would be another stupid decision in my opinion. i think she needs to grow up. A LOT.

anyway at the end of the day, i'm just one of your close frens who's concerned over what you're doing to your love life. u dont have to listen to what im telling u, but if u get back tghr with her, i hope u know what u're getting yourself into. as i said, there's a difference betw being in love and being stupid. take care of yourself.

2006-05-10T17:55:00.000+08:00

when i was a kid, i used to watch tv shows where some girl in the show sleeps her way up the corporate ladder. never thought it would one day fall into my lap, to decide if something like that is actually worth doing. is it? would anything at work be worth "selling your body" for? maybe, if ure really that desperate for the carrot that the person is dangling in front of u.

super tired, brain dead. have like tons of things to do - digging the database for leads, TONS of pending paperwork, trades to book, self-appraisal 2 months overdue for my confirmation. just somehow no energy to do. sales are slow. VERY slow. its sometimes easier to not think about anything than to figure out how i'm going to get myself out of the shit i've landed into.

2006-05-04T15:48:00.000+08:00

pierced 2nd earhole on each lobe the other day, partly coz i've said for eternity i wanted to pierce something and partly coz i was bored. so dear HL, don't worry, your cousin didnt do belly piercing =)

i've like had it up to my neck with some bugger. talks too much rubbish and too glib, u never know what or when to believe the person. but like i told sam, it irks me somehow. wth...

is it that hard to find a good guy out there?

2006-04-30T05:53:00.000+08:00

3 are leaving the branch this coming week. 2 of them i will miss a LOT, one i wont. hahaha.... that one was a hypocrite. but my smoking buddies are all gone! sob... wayne's going to be just across the road but hell we all know that chances of anyone walking across just to say hi isnt that high. but to wayne and ben, hope u both do well in your next careers.

loOked up the net for ways to remove a hickey asap.

freeze a spoon and put it on the mark until it sticks. then remove the spoon and the hickey is supposed to be gone
put the hollow end of a lipstick cap on your neck and dig into it until the mark is gone. *this one sounds like self-mutilation. pot calling the kettle black - those of u who have seen my arm know what i mean.*
aim a hairdryer on the mark and comb it while u blow dry. supposed to remove it instantaneosly too. *sounds dubious*

going to freeze a spoon now. the mark was left by mistake and its not something i want my customers to see, esp a certain someone. *maybe that explains y i have zero sales today. thank goodness for the cases the rest parked under me, i pay them the comm but at least i have something to show for my KPI.*

back to hickeys. it came about in a situation so deja-vu that i almost want to laugh. is there something about me that says "come f**k me" or something? why dont other girls kenna this kinda stuff? and it came about from a group i'm close to. thats about all i want to say on this matter, i don't want the truth to come out. paiseh lah. *innocent look*

anyway there's something i came across that i thought i would never find - a guy more stubborn than mr tan. think this person's made me pissed enough such that i told myself im getting out of this game he's playing. probably im a stubborn person myself and i cannot tolerate a guy more stubborn than me. whatever. i should just be single right now. keep things simple.

2006-04-25T18:53:00.000+08:00

i realise i get pretty affected by things, specifically people. around me, past and present.

for one, i saw a testimonial on one of my ex's friendster. from his gf to him, n for what he wrote for her. its been many years since we broke up, but looking at that, i still feel a twinge. maybe the feeling of "my territory" dies hard, really hard. they're happy tghr, i am happy for them, and i dont have anymore feelings towards him. but there's that very slight jealous feeling.

for an old fling, he just got a girl. i know i never meant anything to him, but sometimes i just wish i did. he's self centered on top of a ton of vices.

maybe i get possessive about the guys ard me that im close to, and have been close to once. thats y i no longer trust anything a guy tells me. whether he likes me, whether he wants to go after me, whatever. i've long had that i-dont-give-a-fucking-shit attitude towards guys. its kind of an emotional armour. i may fall for a guy, but i'll tell myself and the people around me that its nothing. have been hurt once and its more than enough. i dont want to put myself in a vulnerable position anymore where someone could potentially hurt me.

even so, i've been hurt again and again. the last time a few months back; i may have put myself in the same situation of vulnerability again. so u know what? i will never believe anything a guy says to me anymore. especially one who is glib and probably never serious in the first place.

sounds dumb huh. i think i'm a pretty smart girl (seriously - not being boastful or arrogant). but i dont understand why i allow myself to be hurt again and again. i even get dreams about him. its causing me to lose beauty sleep and somehow affecting me at work. seriously trying to channel all focus and energy to sales. *i wish and i wish, that somehow u will leave; and let my have my peace*

2006-04-20T19:15:00.000+08:00

been a damn bloody slack week. totally no mood to work or to call. so had a lot of chit chat, a lot of fun and testing limits of being defiant to boss *kidding* somehow it seems that being so slack makes me alot more relaxed and happy. been in a happy mood this week somehow. seriously wonder y.

2006-04-15T17:46:00.000+08:00

i think i'm losing my touch, either that or i'm just having a lousy day. first day back at work and im having SUPER lousy business and i cant fix any appointments either. its damn blardy demoralising and i dont need ppl to suan me about not closing on top of it.

and frankly i dont know y there's something about u that bugs me. i really dont know what u are thinking, don't know if u ever mean what u say. and for the last couple of hours i cant stop thinking about u. not sure if i said something wrong, maybe i did. but i've tried talking to u and u simply wont respond. so if thats the way u want it, i wont bother about u anymore. anyway i dont ever think u were serious about anything to start off with. so i just simply wont bother with u anymore. from now on, just go ahead and do whatever u want. and all i need is to stop thinking about u.

2006-04-10T15:55:00.000+08:00

out of the 4 of us here, so far i'm the shopaholic winner with 9 pairs of shoes and TONS of clothes. the forever 21 shop here is so huge, and i bought tons and tons of dresses. colours like tangerine, yellow, turqoise, navy, green, black... and tons of tops and accessories and whatever. the soft bag i filled with shopping is already larger than the original suitcase i brought over. and the trip is only half over! i seriously ccannot step into another shoe shop coz everytime i go in, i buy something else. its crazy. and i love it =)

2006-04-08T16:23:00.000+08:00

in san francisco now and its like 1.30am here. sooo tired...shopped like mad this afternoon....

SEVEN pairs of high heels in half hour.... i've never been that mad before. i love love love all the new shoes. good thing i got out of the shoe section in macy's b4 i did anymore damage to the credit card. went to sephora as well, picked out lotsa little miniature versions of toiletries. yes i know its inane but if u know me u'll know that i love cute stuff to bits. i buy and hoarde lots of them.

going to sleeep....seriously seriously tired plus jet lagged. shops open at 9.30 and there's a whole row of shops i want to hit. 7 and counting.... and i still want to go fisherman's wharf and pier 39 at some pt.

i've forgotten how good it feels not to work.

2006-04-06T08:51:00.000+08:00

been soooooooo busy the whole damn week. worked pretty hard this week to bring up my sales before i leave for the states in about 24 hours. ok lah not bad, i managed to achieve the revenue points i set for myself. should hit threshold and earn $$$$$ comfortably this month if i can work this hard for the 2nd half of april after i return.

anywayyyyyy.... i wanted to take a break this morning and go for a swim. and the weather looks good...sunny. but i better get my ass back to office early coz a whole truckload of shit happened yesterday afternoon....

3 complain cases and my office laptop broke down!!!!!!!!!

tmd...the blardy laptop is always acting up, this laptop model is always giving problems. me and jess have the same model and each laptop has had a key drop off. so now the "P" on my laptop got no cap, u basically have to press this tiny stick-thingy that activates "P" on the lappy. and to top it off, my laptop suddenly cannot turn on yesterday evening!!!!!!! just when i need it most.... sooooo fucked up. more or less managed to settle the 3 complains without much trouble, i think it wont get turned into big complain cases. but i spent the whole damn afternoon servicing the stupid shit!

i admit sometimes i'm careless &/or messy (hahaha) and it does cost me a LOT for those mistakes when i'm working in the bank.

going SF tomorrow for a week.... i'm happy to be going but i also don't want to go. i need the break but i'm kinda turning into a workaholic and i'll feel funny relaxing when i know everyone here is working hard for sales. maybe there'll be ppl here i'll miss tooo..... but then again i'll rather not think so much.

to CE sam - yesh i havent seen u in eternity like since convo last year can???? ure the busy one! when r u going to meet me?

to felicia - babe sorry i missed u the last time u came back to spore. come back again soon, we can catch up then ok?

2006-04-01T23:15:00.001+08:00

last night had a good time at o bar again with the LT10 ppl. it was a huge crowd n basically had a good night of catching up and suan-ing everyone. thanks to sam-female's photo-whoring, i have more than enuf pics to showcase =) Here's some of the classics.

me and sam b4 we headed to MS. we look damn good right hahaha...

the 3 birthday fellas... happy happy belated bday guys.

classic jeric expression

after ben the photographer cut out david 4x, we finally get a shot with him haha.

beng messing up a otherwise great photo haha...

me with sam-female and sam-male. =)

sam-female's camera captured a good shot - david blowing out smoke.

the guys munking around... david acting gay again haha...
table generally looked like that all night. don't count the jugs.

ben giving me a drunken lecture...

2006-03-31T10:27:00.000+08:00

yay so happy its month end.

1. drinking session tonight. (i already intended to go drinking anyway. sooo need a break) have been asked 4x if i'm going. hope everyone goes! can meet everyone to catch up.

2. i'm over him. officially. haha. --> remember that time i mentioned there was this skirt i didnt want to wear as it was what i last saw him in? well i wore that yesterday n i dont feel a damn thing anymore. yay again! hahaha

3. m basically in a non-working mood. went to see my old professor yesterday for a chit chat session. i sure miss school days.

2006-03-29T13:19:00.000+08:00

feeling like a sick dead cat. feel tired sian and crampy. and i have zero appointments for wed thurs friday. feel like rotting away coz i've hit threshold and cannot be bothered to do anymore sales for this month altho boss keeps nagging at me to work harder to bring in more sales, therefore MAYBE *a very unlikely maybe* she will confirm me. but i can wait long long lah i know she WON't confirm me.

find that i get very irritated easily nowadays.
like how i hate it when guys whine. i super super super hate it. gives me goosebumps. its utterly disgusting.

on the upside, i have some sales for april and i'm going to ask for pro-rated threshold level. coz i'm going to san francisco end next week. with mother, joy and jeanne. to recee for this year's high fliers event. *yay yay yay yay yay*

bleagh i'm so lethargic and sian i almost have no energy to type. i should just pack up and go home.

2006-03-24T18:29:00.000+08:00

bleaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im tired.

this week is damn sian. i was so burnt out from over-working last week so i didnt pick up momentum til thursday. then whatever i closed yesterday and today, by the time the transaction will go through, its april already. so yeah good start for april lah but i need blardy sales for march! boss knows i've got sales these 2 days but officially i got to report zero. tmd.

i hate selling deposits. seriously seriously hate selling deposits. i would MUCH rather sell unit trusts. easier to close. and deposits ah... tmd its ALWAYS the damn wife who will poison the case! classic example: today i had a customer i called last night. 30k can. he signed everything already but insisted on joint account with wife. so wife got to sign also. she came and then said, no lah normal FD can get better rates! dont tie up the $ yada yada yada. so there goes my 30k. i know i can easily get it back from selling unit trusts lah but this is why i HATE selling f**king deposits.

today i just might break my trend of crazy friday nights. i just need some time to bum around at home, which i havent had enough of this week. ok i might drink with yx later at night lah but its actually the 2nd time this month i've reached home while the sky is still light. its such a good feeling to come home early (i cooked up an excuse to skip end week meeting again haha) and to have time to myself. me me me me me. =)

anyway if u scroll through this blog u might notice i've never blogged in green. green has never been my colour (except this olive green eyeshadow from MAC which i have. not to be buay hiao bai but it looks good on my skin) mayb e what they say about colour therapy is true. green calms the mind.

so does this drawing here. i just drew it, haha... my way of destressing.

2006-03-21T08:21:00.000+08:00

seems like a LOT of people are leaving my bank. a few in my batch have tendered resignation and gone through their last day at the bank already; someone whom i didnt think will leave the bank has also tendered resignation. yes i know everyone will move on. but how time flies.

to add in a funny comment w made on msn last night - coz yesterday evening me, tbh and jess finished a WHOLE BLARDY TIN OF NUTS that w just bought. somemore jess was saying its the last can in cold storage. but what to do when u display food in front of us and tell us we cannot eat until the operations ppl are ready? so we eat w's nuts (no pun intended haha). so here's what w said on msn last night: u know one thing that i am still amazed is that despite all the calories counting and stuffs u gals managed to finish my tin of nuts in 15mins flat. hahaha so true but come on lah when girls are hungry we need to EAT. hahaha...

anyway think some of u know that i've changed tables for 6 weeks due to cubby rotation in the office. today is week #3 and so far i'm pretty happy in the new cubby. i don't get stupid interruptions from walk in customers while i'm trying to do work
"where do i open an account?"
"can i pay my credit card bill here?"
"where do i apply for a credit card?"
"what is your FD rate right now?"
are some of the most common questions i encountered sitting at the table outside.

anyway here's a picture of the cubby when tbh has just tidied it up.

neat hor. the 2 "zao cai mao" or fortune cats (yes i think they're freaking ugly too. but if they bring me business who cares?) is one mine one tbh's. mine's the white one i think it looks less obiang then the gold one haha.

then here's the cubby when i have it all to myself (tbh was off that day and i stayed back to do paperwork).

u noe how they say that a tiger never changes its spots? well i think i'll be perpetually messy haha. look at these pics taken while i was in uni studying.

ok lah prob this doesnt look too messy yet but amongst the huge mess of photos i have this is prob one of the better illustrations. this photo has the messy feel to it coz i remember me and him were studying on a tidy table outside starbucks which is sure NOT enuf space for 2 people to work comfortably.

but then again here u can see that i always like to file my notes nicely b4 i study, and that i love those skinny marker pens (me and yl had like a whole dozen of them and we'll share colours during lectures haha)

end this with an answer to sam:

gal i have totally forgotten about my "bao" nickname until u reminded me. that was soooo long ago in end year 1/early year 2 can.

2006-03-20T10:27:00.000+08:00

its monday morning and im TIRED. tired grouchy and broke. coz i just spent a ridiculous amount of $ yesterday shopping and i havent even unpacked the stuff yet. blardy hell...

in replies to your posts guys:
sam - the rabbit's called berrry. in rememberance of my hamsters which u named peanut and butter. hahaha...

felicia - i wanted a puppy too! but i work ridiculously long hours and i cant bring a puppy into the bank. else i'll DEFINITELY get a puppy.

bear - eh excuse me hor. im not THAT terrible can. dont make my rabbit sound like its life is so jialat can...

chris - u can see her. ask u to come visit me u die die dont want. so not my problem hahaha...

anyway i should get back to work. the afternoon looks very long and busy and im just not sure i have enough energy to finish the day.

2006-03-18T08:29:00.000+08:00

last night was the first night this week i could relax - had proper drinks with mw and pat as agreed. worked soooooo hard this week. well at least up to yesterday, i had the largest sales volume this week. seriously needed it to bring myself up to threshold run rate, so at least thresh looks possible this month compared to a week ago.

boss will kill me if she found out what i did yesterday afternoon. i knew there was a sales meeting at 5 which i wasnt interested to attend, but i did want to use the system after i finished all my appointments yesterday afternoon. therefore i cant go back to branch else i definitely will have to go for the meeting. coincidentally the nearest bank branch after my last appointment was st's branch. so i went over and used her computer system - kill 2 birds with one stone. i get to do my work in peace and i dont have to listen to end week sales meeting.

anyway, last night - bottle of moet, bottle of red, some sangria for mw, and 20 shots for the 3 of us. dont ask me what those shooters were, i also dunno =) but they're sweet and not as strong as new asia drinks generally are. wasn't smashed when i came back, but had a good night guys. lets do it again sometime.

anyway i bought my rabbit! its a dwarf rabbit from netherlands and cost approximately 10 times more than a generic local rabbit. love her to bits....spoil her a bit too much i think haha. but at least she keeps my lifestyle in control - i either cannot come back to late, or i have to come back in the evening to feed her b4 i go out again. she's not too happy when she's fed late and kept hungry.

2006-03-15T08:45:00.000+08:00

never thought i would hear myself say this, but i've been working pretty hard this week. didnt want to mention it til last night, when yj commented that i looked tired. it seems that no matter how hard i run for sales, the numbers dont increase as fast as i want them to. well at least it helped that boss said she knows i've been working hard.

i have an appointment in about an hour - should start getting ready to leave my place soon. looked through the person's investment holdings and i think chances of walking away with fresh funds looks low. sigh. this will probably result in less than a hundred revenue points for me. (threshold for commission is ~14000 points!) but i CANNOT SOUND SO NEGATIVE.... need to think positive need to think positive...

i need to work harder. this week, the hours seem to go by so quickly, thats y i stayed in office til so late. im like, what!?!?!? the bank's closed and i havent gotten very much done!

i m booked solid this week. ALL my evenings are packed - i dont even have time to go for half an hour of retail therapy at night, neither do i have time to pick a rabbit. i'm serious about wanting one. worst case, i'll get the rabbit on sunday. it seems like the ONLY day this week that i have some time for myself.

anyway, after a short conversation with him last night, i realised that he's changed so much in such a short period of time. u're no longer the person i thought i knew, and maybe u didnt really know me after all. whatever the case is, i think i'm over you. live your life your way, and good luck to you. i may still miss u, but thats the end. that saying is so true - life moves on. and being so busy at work and my social life has kept me occupied enough that i realise i no longer have a place for u in my life.

2006-03-14T11:16:00.000+08:00

i just saw the cutest collection of rabbits ever. ok prob i dont go look at rabbits very often but these are called lop-eared rabbits and they are CUTE. fluffy furry things. and i want one! hahaha.. they cost a whole lot more than your regular rabbit though. but i want a rabbit!

ok ppl lay off the comments about the picture. i'll change it later tonight IF i have time.

2006-03-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

stoning at work now while waiting for tbh to finish with a customer so we can go for lunch and i can have my caffeine. throat is a bit bad...must be all the alcohol i've been inhaling. haha last night was fun. with ym, yx and yj. i have known u guys all through our days as civil engineers but i have never had such a drinking session with u all.

the 2 shots of bacardi 151 each really did it in i think. it was a short potent drinking session haha. at least i managed to wake up this morning for my appointment in AMK. very proud that i got there on time! have not been at somewhere 9am on the dot, for a really long time. surprisingly i got away WITHOUT reading a map and jus driving in the general direction until i found where i was looking for hahaha. <>

will a big ticket drop out of the sky? *innocent eyes* i really really really need it.

2006-03-09T00:13:00.000+08:00

shit i've been drinking the past 3 nights with different people. tonight am quite gone... still quite drunk now as i type this LOL. 2 glasses of wine with very potent martini and sausages is NOT a good combination. i should lay off the alcohol, but quite fucked up these days with stress at work and trying to forget a certain someone.

boss is NOT going to confirm me, i gathered that much from my conversation today with her. wth... i should seriously do up my resume again and look for new jobs but the idea of doing resume all over again sucks. i need some luck for sales... am in seriously bad condition this month.

it was a good evening guys. i'll see u 2 next friday - time to get really smashed.

2006-03-07T00:48:00.000+08:00

i still miss him.

i realized it in the funniest manner. this morning when i was getting ready for work, i had the usual ritual of picking my clothes. came across this skirt, which i last wore on the last time i saw him. its as though i had some funny way of preserving those last memories, coz i didnt want to wear that skirt today. its as though by wearing the skirt again, it would wash away those memories. and just maybe, im not ready to let go of them yet.

2006-03-06T00:09:00.000+08:00

just to put up some pics from fri night at o-bar with the LT10 group. coincidentally (or not??) it was jeric's birthday. drinks and good company. didnt drink as much as i would have wanted to though... haha...

i love this photo with amy and sam. think we ALL look good =)

think im a bit intoxicated at this point LOL

and at the end of the night...

only the poor birthday boy was gone. the rest of us were all standing and sober (which is more than what i can say for our other dbl o experiences. i once recall everyone buying rounds and only 2 left standing at the end of the night (not me. i was quite gone that night i recall.) funny how time flies, that was a good 3plus plus years ago already. i miss the clubbing times with the LT10 people. the good ol' days in sch...sigh.

2006-03-02T08:44:00.000+08:00

seems like alcoholic week this week.

tues night - out for drinks at bala. couple of girl-friends. met a new fren.
i haven't been to bala for months!!!!!! since the last time there with the TPBs. amazing that its been over 6months coz confirmation's coming up.

wed night - supposed to drink too. didnt go in the end.

tonight - drinks session planned. hope it goes through and no one gets so tied down with work they dont want to go out. haha..

tmr night - drinks session planned. with tzewei n gang.

need my drug doses to calm frazzled nerves... caffeine, nicotine, alcohol.

why?

coz work is f**king stress.... as of the first of the month yesterday there's 1 in branch with 300k plus and one with more than 150k plus. so my measly 70k looks pathetic. switching case of 10k is literally negligible.

to sidetrack, i kinda hate people who are pretty new and bitch so much at work. i mean, if you wanna complain, go ahead and complain to your bf/gf, your other friends, colleagues not in your immediate work area etc. but to be so new and to make so much noise about non-impt things all day everyday all the time just gets on my nerves. esp when your complaining results in measures taken which affects the ENTIRE f**king office in your immediate vicinity.

so now the snake shows its true colours.

to me i can actually see that its a good thing in a way - such changes make me learn to be more flexible and to continue my work when surroundings change. toughens me up, when i learn to counter this it probably will increase my work experience in a certain sense. but a small part of me is still unhappy.

well, like what one of the office personnel (although not in my immediate working area) told me, its funny how the same kind will find themselves and sit together.

2006-02-28T13:35:00.000+08:00

stress stress stress stress stress.

makes me absentminded.

coz i misplaced one of my phones, i misplaced my cashcard and topped it off by misplacing my wallet. dont worry, i found everything in the end.

i only have like 70k clocked in for march. feb is ok so havent bothered to run for feb for the last week. mainly LooKing at march. when u know other people have like 300+ for march already... it ADDS TO THE STRESS.

find me a stressball someone.

2006-02-25T20:58:00.000+08:00

i am getting stressed out by work again!!!!!! cannot close.... shit!!! and today went to see mum's good fren, somehow EVERYONE thot i could close - mum, boss, colleagues etc. so didnt manage to close on the spot ok... i'll follow up when he returns to spore 2 weeks later. stop the pressure cooker... stop making me feel so stressed!!!!!!!

i think its high time i stepped up the intensity of searching for a new job. this job is making me mentally drained, making me feel guilty whenever i don't work or i leave early. i'm tired of the competition, tired of trying to bring in more numbers than all the rest, day after day. i want out.

didn't work today coz i was too lazy hahaaha....think from what i heard a couple of them closed 100k over today. not sure about the rest. but i dont want to run for feb sales anymore. all im doing now is to start looking for UT to close and park into march.

and y was i so lazy today?
1. woke up late - i woke up 45min after bank opened.
2. was so tired coz of....
3. daph's house party last night

that was fun.

drinks.
catching up on more gossip altho we all saw each other at the costume party last week. i know most of the people there.
met some new people.

=======================

but i realise i still miss him, even more so these days. last night, came back sober enough but smoked and stoned long after that. thinking of him - i miss u. havent been talking, dont know how u r. and i know nothing matters anymore so why the f**k do i still miss u so much?

2006-02-23T09:16:00.000+08:00

.......yesterday, that is.

i decided not to go to work after all and got good ol' chris to go out. its been a looooooong time since i took the entire day off. heehee goofy shots to show for it =)

soooooooooo unfortunate that i have to go back to work today right.

2006-02-22T12:34:00.000+08:00

that picture explains y im still at home although its lunchtime. thats coz i just woke up and ate lunch...was SO damn tired this morning i simply couldnt wake up. didn't sleep well last night coz i drank the infamous detox tea.

its this tea tracy first bought from across the street, i think it gave her terrible gastrics after it finished detoxing. jess also wasn't much better. so apparently it works, too well in fact it seems. so nvm, i decided to try it. i put off drinking it for the whole day yesterday til after dinner last night. didn't give me much problems but i couldn't sleep properly coz u can feel your stomach churning. so i rolled around for most of the night - explains my terrible fatigue today.

while i was sleeping just now, i dreamt of him. funny huh. woke up missing him, his voice n the way he talks.

will head to office soon. see, i feel so guilty for not working in the morning that i cant even make myself take the whole day off. its janet's last day with our branch, she's changing branches as of tmr. and we only found out yesterday evening. i will miss u ms lee!!!!! u joined the bank about same time as me, still remember i met u in training.

thats me and janet.

2006-02-21T10:55:00.000+08:00

ain't that cute? my definition of abstract art.

it comes from the formula below

bored at work due to empty bank + fascination with geometric

a whole assortment of pictures

i love this one below - edited to a very pretty pastel colour

or wouldnt it be fun to bloat up someone's face like this below?

2006-02-18T19:39:00.000+08:00

the costume party last night was real good fun. different themes for different zones - oriental, indian, hip-hop and retro. no prizes for guessing which one i'm from haha. took tons of pics, some of them here below.

"scandalous photo #1" - threesome in the hotel room! haha..

me and al below. cheongsams from the same tailor.

"scandalous photo #2" - me in gerald's lap. wahaha

2 cheongsams, 3 camouflaged.

4 of us together again! i miss our training days.

Friday night was a blast

2006-02-04T04:25:00.000+08:00

ok guys, for some reason i decided to start blogging again haha...this must be the 4th blog i've created ever since. i'll try to keep this one going ya.. :D

why did i decide to start now? for some reason i feel that tonight was a new beginning. time to let go of certain things, certain memories. for even if i refuse to let it go, it will now float off by itself. so its really time to look ahead. i keep telling myself to look ahead and not look back; its been hard to do the last 2 months.

was at new asia with mw + pat tonight. i had a great time, drunk enough to take my mind off lots of things. but as always, at the end of the night, memories come back to haunt me. some things are hard to let go of; u know u're fighting a losing battle but u just can't make yourself let go. yes i know, i'm a stubborn person. but in this case, i cannot NOT admit defeat.

and its freakin' 4+ in the morning, and i have a really important presentation at 9am. which i have not completed working on. don't wanna jinx anything now so i don't want to talk too much about it. but if i make it, i'll be the happiest person around.