i should congratulate myself. this week i only drank 3x. =) hahaha...progress progress.

was telling sam just now that wed night was funny, was making out with botak in an alcove while clubbing. was like sitting on his lap, very much like what i did to marc during xmas party. and marc was like sitting there watching this one. haha.. i should stop making out with guys in full view of an audience. in fact, wth. i was supposed to stop playing altogether!

after talking to sam and chris, i figured stuff out. i mean, all along i know that playing with a married person has its protocol. at the end of the day, a married man will always go back to his wife. i jus wanted to know if they think he likes me. and the conclusion is that he's probably jus playing and nothing more. i know that lah, i jus wanna know too if he likes me. im ego-istic ok. hee..

i know that he's a player alright. he's admitted to me b4, and after i watched him in velvet last night and once in bala a couple of wks back, can tell. when he talks to girls his hand's like always around their waist.

but velvet was fun last night. surprisingly that was the 2nd time i clubbed this week. i ran into so many people it was ridiculous. came back farking high but didnt puke *yay*. and it was quite a girly night last night, i prob talked to more girls than guys.

anyone wants to start placing bets on when botak will be tired of me? sam says early march, i say by end feb. anymore takers? =)

things are different. somehow.

on sunday night, i swore to des that i wouldnt drink on mon and tues. and mon at like 10am, i texed des asking him out for a drink. so basically i was supposed to meet him, tbh and vic. but all were late and teddy bear was asking if i wanted to meet up for a short while so i met teddy bear b4 he followed me to join the other 3.

in my conversation with teddy bear, i was telling him bout botak. to him, if you wanna play, know where to stop. he feels that i end up falling for whoever i play with... but i told him that a married man will always go back to his wife at the end of the day. which made me understand something teddy bear had been trying to explain to me since mid dec the night we sort of kissed.

so botak came down for like 10min b4 teddy bear and my frens left... somehow even after that, things were different. feels different somehow lah. maybe its the heavens' way of telling me that its game over. was asking botak what he told his wife bout not going home on fri night and he apparently told her he slept at the bar. if he didnt really give a shit bout her, he wouldnt have to think of excuses to tell her right?

anyway i def dont wanna drink tonight, i jus need some peace and quiet at home. i might not even see botak tmr, since he kinda din take the hint this morning on the phone. so maybe this is a good way to end it. i told you so, my dear sister. now believe me. i can do it.

onto something more depressing.. this morning i walked in pretty late at work. there was an email in my inbox from my boss's boss asking me to go see her. basically, its bout 2 issues.

i understand her scolding me bout my lack of punctuality. what surprised me was that someone from my prev bank had already told her bout my punctuality problems even b4 i started working. they said something like "you sure you wanna take her?" ... this kinda thing, can prob come from only my immediate bosses. eliminating my first boss whom i dont think would have said it, it leaves that bitch we all hated or my last boss who is still there now. well done... i know market is small but i didnt know news travels that fast.

next, was bout my dressing. apparently im too "fashionable" for the workplace since most of them dress in conservative (aka frumpy) clothes. i think the girls have made some mean comments on my dressing that my lady boss didnt wanna repeat. sometimes i may look a bit more party-ish but i think most of what i wear is ok. not sure if they're jealous or something that a newcomer looks better dressed than them. and even the men have complained too. so long and short of it, i was asked to change my dressing to blend into the office.

i was like... WTF!!!!!!!!!!

u ask me to be punctual, yes i can try. i can accept being scolded bout punctuality coz i know its my fault. but to ask me to change my dressing, a very core part of who i am, jus to blend into the office and be a quiet mouse like the rest.... you must be kidding!!! no way! the max i can do is to wear a cardi over my clothes, thats bout it. what i wear now is mostly what i wore in the bank and i didnt get much comments there. hardly, in fact.

i hate this office. i thought that ok, if i do my work well and all, i can live with being ignored by the rest of the office. yes, at least the lady boss did say that i turn in quality work. its only my punctuality and dressing that the office cant accept. so fine, if one part of my kpi is going to be based on how the others like me and how well i interact with them, i'll rather not pass probation. one thing i never ever wanted to become, was a typical office girl dressed in stiff cotton tops and frumpy dress sense. i'll rather stay who i am, at least i think my frens accept me for who i am.

i drank even more this week...fark. i literally drank on mon tues wed thurs fri and later tonight.

on mon, i kenna called out for drinks even when i already reached home... call me a bloody alcoholic lah but i jus will drop everything when i hear the word "drinks". tues drank with 2 different groups, wed was farking farking pissed drunk. thurs had dinner and coffee in boat quay and was walking out of the area when a call came. drinks at boat quay, jus down the row from where i was standing. so yeah i couldnt resist temptation. so sue me. fri was a good mix of ppl. a few of the LT10 guys and botak's frens that i am closer to. at our usual pub. finished like hell lot of beer, 2 and half bottles of whiskey then they came to my place to drink a bottle of vodka. (the damn vodka got demolished within an hour)

its the seriously first time i had frens over and it ended up as a couple couple thing. marc and his girl took the guest room (he knows my place so bloody well he knows where the glasses are, the cutlery, the deck of playing cards, what he can and cannot do, etc... basically stuff impt to his alcoholic heart), one couple ended up on the sofa in the living room. one guy, shall not name names, got too tired and went home. left exactly 4 guys 4 girls at my place, including me.

so after i went into my room to see if botak wanted to go out for supper (he was sleeping in my room), i actually left the door open but the lights were off coz he was asleep. some idiot closed the door, then when they opened it again they laughed and closed the door. and when we came out, the last pair who jus knew each other, were prob bored of the other 3 couples each hogging an area and they had ended up in the study room tghr. so yes, it literally looked like a mass orgy. first time i have frens over and it looked that bad. haha..

and i did something that everyone has been telling me not to do. if u know what i am talking about, good for u. if not, dont ask. i feel a wee bit guilty for it, after all like what everyone says, what goes around comes around. but i dont regret doing it, in fact i loved it. i jus hope things will still be the same betw us. he said it will and i kinda believe him... after all he's not a bastard like marc. alot more down to earth, no hot air, he's a more sincere person i feel.

btw i passed my cfa level one! and i got a new job. got all the good news on the same day so i was bloody excited. must have sent like 100 over smses in total that day announcing the good news.

everyone is sick of hearing me say this but i hope i clean up my life soon. it seems as tho i get myself into bigger and bigger messes each time. and my NY resolutions have all flown out of the window and disappeared with the rain.

i need to stop shopping.

damage for the week
- Mango sunglasses
- Zara dress
- Warehouse clutch bag
- Chanel's limited edition eyeshadow
- potentially one pair of shoes, 9west

im not even keeping track of the money spent, i just know the clutch was 46bucks and the eyeshadow 89bucks and the shoes 165bucks. not too sure bout the shades think its 30smething and the dress is about 40bucks. fark.

and i need to stop drinking. i know i need to stop drinking and i know i've said it many times. damn.

mon was out with botak marc and C.

tues was out with teddy bear... met my whole desk again. drank at boat quay from 630 to 12midnight with teddy bear then went to st james with botak coz tons of uob ppl were there. my branch, my batch, ppl i know from other branches...was bloody gone i think. amazed i drove back altho the 2 guys left with me refused to let me drive. told aly that jus now, and she said that when im drunk im super stubborn, whatever ppl want me to do or do for me, i refuse. so now i know im a stubborn drunk haha...

wed night was at blardy boring bala with botak marc and C and C's frens. was freaking impatient coz i wanted to go boat quay... even when we FINALLY left bala and went boat quay i wasnt v happy coz i dont know their frens well. was happiest on tues night actually.

and tmr will be out drinking again.

even for tonight... after dinner with aly and W im damn stoned when i came back. didnt feel like talking to bryan who's been calling persistently, and on top of that my phone's been ringing off the hook with drink invites. one guy's celebrating bday, damn persistent in asking me to join him. one's a gym guy, damn persistent and irritating too. i think i sounded damn rude in my sms replies to him tonight. simply not in the mood to entertain ppl i dont feel like talking to. and another fren's at bala, with corporate banking ppl from my ex-bank. i turned him down for tonight but agreed to join them next wk.

funny, the only person i felt like talking to jus now was botak. felt weird not receiving smses from him in the evening... but talked to him for more than half an hour online just now. this is what i call stepping into dangerous territory... this guy is married. but i've seen him on mon tues wed, and we more or less emailed throughout the workday today. but i dont get the vibe that he likes me, so i guess i shouldnt be paranoid.

interestingly enough on the job front, i had an interview this morning. and i scheduled another one for the coming week. both were from the time i was still job hunting and since they called, i decided i might as well jus go for the interviews and see how things go. not sure if i'll get either and not sure if i'll take them. im quite tired of moving ard different jobs. we'll see how things go.

aly, if u read this.. happy for u. i hope things work out... i think u know what im referring to. =)

chris and sam-female - thanks for providing moral support. i appreciate it.

i think im jus going to stop stoning and try to go to sleep. im like farking tired but too wired up to really fall asleep. gonna wear casual to work tmr.. first time im going to show up in birkenstocks. cant be bothered with heels at work tmr seriously. esp since i prob have to dress up tmr night.

its been a crazy week of drinking and my life is still as screwed up as ever. my NY resolution to clean up my act will officially start today - not going dragonfly with daph-y and the bank people. i figured drinking on mon wed thurs fri is enough for the week, i dont need to add saturday into the count too.

still bothered by thurs...went drinking with teddy bear and i got knocked out flat on vodka in 2 hours. my mistake to be banker on ban luk. we bet on drinks btw. lost like crazy. and i know i will puke whenever i eat and drink... i snacked on peanuts mon night, i puked it out. i snacked on fried rice wed night, i puked that out too. but i was really hungry on thurs and ate finger food. big mistake. lets just say that teddy bear was quite pissed with me and he had to send me home in a cab... i puked in the cab and i puked after i got out of the cab. he said he will have to "re-evaluate whether he wants to bring me out for drinks in the future". fine... bo jio then bo jio. big deal.

and i seriously cant believe i was stupid enuf to ever fall for marc's lies. one of his frens from our regular pub, lets call him botak. he's known marc for a wk plus longer than he's known me, and i only realised on wed that he was married. for 7 bloody years. looks so young somemore! no wonder he felt so uncomfortable with me hugging him the whole mon night. granted he says he's in an unhappy marriage lah. why he claims he felt uncomfortable is coz i'm supposed to be marc's girl and he kept asking me and marc whether marc was ok with me hugging him (as in botak).

so its only on thurs that i happened to be text-ing botak, that i realised marc told botak shortly after we met, that i was his ex. i was farking pissed off when i heard about it, coz basically it ruins my reputation. makes me look like a loser that keeps going out with her "ex-bf". botak refused to let me confront marc about it. and last night at velvet, when i commented to botak that marc was a damn womaniser, considering the number of girls he's asked down to velvet that night, botak asked if i was jealous.

and he asked me yet again whether i've really really never been with marc. coz he said marc told him that very convincingly, and he's always gotten this vibe that me and marc were like a couple. i've seen botak a grand total of...... 6 times as of last night. so the only few times he felt that me and marc were like a couple is prob the first 3 times when we met. coz i know for sure that this wk, i've seen botak 3x, and mon night i was hugging botak, wed night and last night i didnt talk to marc at all.

coz marc wants to play this damn game, he ignores me when im out with him and his frens, and he treats me like his baby when we're alone. he prob din realise he let the cat out of the bag verbally too, coz he said he cant be close to me when its all his colleagues and frens inside the pub. yes, i know im not your gf. i also know that mon night, u told me u broke up with your gf, and that same night u told botak u and her patched things up. your biggest mistake is u didnt realise that me being closer to botak would result in me finding out alot of lies, discrepancies in things u've told me vs things you told botak. i know that one of the girls who's always drinking with your grp is your colleague as well as your gf's sec sch fren. on top of that, you think that u've won this game with me coz u think that now im more into u than ure into me.

baby, u're so wrong. i was weak last friday, thats why i pretended i was drunk and i told you that i like you. and ever since then, your attitude has changed. well, sorry baby but u havent won this game. coz right now i cant be bothered about you already. im sick of your game and your lies. i hope last night taught you a small lesson. you want to get a girl, at least try to be nice to her. you dont expect me to go back with you when

1. you didnt invite me out last night. botak did.
2. you ignored me all night. i was talking to botak and C.
3. wait til botak wants to leave and i say im following him out to grab a cab as well. then u ask if i want to join u and your other frens. u think i dont know that u want me to hang ard simply coz u want me to go back with you.
4. call me when you leave velvet to say "you want to make sure i got back safely". bullshit. more like u want to see if im with another guy.

seriously so farking pissed off with marc. if i ever get to talk to him alone again, im going to tell him what i've told him long long ago when our clique did a gathering at indochine. if you want to play, go play with other girls. im your fren... respect me. i must have repeated this statement many times over the last couple of months. most of the time he respects me when i throw that statement at him. when i look back at all the times he backs off when i throw that statement out, in retrospect i realise that all he's ever wanted to do is to get me into bed. sister, u were right... this kind of fren i can do without.

and no matter what marc says and what botak says, i know that when marc's gf comes back, i wont be drinking with them at the pub already. i came in as marc's girl, the game's over and she's coming back end of next mth. so basically i can start to say goodbye emotionally to marc and botak. and teddy bear too.

i wonder why the life that i love - drinking at boat quay- .. is screwing me up big time.

those who've talked to me over the past wk know what sort of crap i'm going thru.

lets jus say ive never learnt my lesson...after falling for -him- in nov 05, and knowing what kind of bastard he is, why the hell m i putting myself thru the same crap with marc? i KNOW that marc is a player, a womaniser, an absolute bastard at that. so maybe my sister is right, that im just infatuated with him. which makes me wonder why i didnt learn my lesson after -him-. my bank ppl know i've gone thru hell to get over -him- altho he did state from the start that he was leaving the country and that not to expect something.

yes, teddy bear was right on friday night. marc has a gf, and i know his background. i know his character. so for me to expect anything more out of him was plain stupid. teddy bear did make one comment when i brought teddy bear and co. into the pub that marc and his frens were in. he said there's a difference betw jealousy and hostility and he felt that marc was jealous. w/in 5 min though, marc told me he heard what teddy bear said and told me i could tell teddy bear that what he said wasnt true. fine baby, if u wanna play this hot-cold game, you can go ahead. im tired of playing games with guys, and in future if i fall for some other guy and talk about it in front of u and ben u better not claim jealousy again. like what i texted u and u didnt bother replying, i'll never trust u again. you've proven in more ways than one that i cant trust u.

was running a damn fever AGAIN this afternoon, i think its coz i was baking myself in the sun earlier then i jumped into the pool. the water was damn cold and i could literally feel my body being shocked by the extreme temperature difference. so B was quite cute, he actually walked over to my apartment from his tuition place although i already told him i refused to eat lunch with him. and since he walked over in the sweltering heat i relented and we went kfc for lunch.

and when i came back wiht him, i started to feel sick. so i rested in the guest room and he kept me company, brought me panadol and held my hand while i slept. its really so comfortable to be with someone who knows you so well, and who knows where stuff is and doesnt need to keep asking (when marc brought me back the other night he kept asking me where's the hot water and yada yada yada when he wanted to make me tea). i seriously feel like marrying B coz if we sort out our bloody problems we're already in the stage leading to talking about weddings. but up to last night we were still arguing and it really does seem like there's no way ever to work out our problems.

like what teddy bear said, why the hell is my life so complicated?? i jus laughed and told him that day that its a good thing i have such a stable boring job so at least it gives me time to go think about my personal life.

btw, whoever's placing bets on B moving back in with me is STILL losing $. haha.

at the end of the day, i wonder what a comment yl made long long ago is true. she said that you marry someone with whom marriage is convenient, as in the person has enough $, is stable, etc. you dont have to be madly in love with the person. at this rate my life is going, yes i think i agree with that statement.

my last blog before the new year.

sooo busy this week. i love it. its what i used to do in year 1 and adijaya was scolding me for packing my time so tightly.

tues
lunched with charles n he updated me on what happened on xmas eve. there's so much stuff i cant remember doing or saying, and its so bloody scandalous its hilarious. sat there and laughed and laughed and "omg"-ed my way thru the whole lunch, and its funny to be laughing at stupid stories when the person being described is me.

had a quick dinner with him and i was looking at solitaire diamonds with him after that. was basically pointing out what kind of rings i'll want as engagement rings. and they're BLOODY expensive even with a 50% discount. and looked at a solid one carat ring, its so much bigger than a .91 carat. and almost like double the price!!!!

wed
tbh's wedding. i loved the concept of taking wedding pictures in a grecian outfit (partly coz i love rome and greece and historically these 2 countries have always fascinated me, tghr with their culture). ended up at st james with the bankers til bout 430 and yes, was a leeeeetle gone but it wasnt too bad a night considering i was left with people im not particularly close to.

thurs
dinner with my pri sch fren, she's one of my oldest frens as in i've known her since pri2. we used to sit outside the sch gates and wait for our dads to pick us up, long after everyone has left. and usually both our dads show up at the same time. we did the same pri and sec schs, classmates for all 4 years in sec sch but i wasnt close to her then as i was quiet and she was outgoing. she still is crzy and outgoing now but i think i can be crazier haha. i'll miss this girl after she goes overseas....2 years!!

seriously think i should stop drinking so much coz i cant remember what i did in the daytime on thurs, all i recall is wondering how i can be so busy running errands and getting stuff.... i love being so busy all day even when im not working.

fri
the craziest day of the week. and i totally totally love it.

met my prof for lunch, he came to my place to pick me up. i used to love talking to him but im tired of analysing my life which is always what he does for me. im tired of thinking of the mess in my love life. never thought i'll hear myself say this but i was itching to end the lunch coz i din wanna think anymore. i dun wanna sit there and listen to why i like to play, why me and B are so different already, having my life dissected and analysed. yes i know we're engineers but maybe its good i never practiced. i hate to think. seriously.

then rushed back to branch to visit as i've promised for so long. its so different there after renovations! drew a crazy picture with ML, i'll put up the pic after i load it to my laptop. freaking funny... i really do miss the good old times in branch. seems like the time of the year to get nostalgic..

then met the tpb's sales manager...the fella i was seeing for a short while last wk. weird to go out with the sales staff last wk and go for coffee with his manager too.... hee jus a funny thought that came into my head. so his manager was another one i've been promising to meet for damn long too. he used to do bancassurance for us b4 moving into the bank.

THEN i rushed down to boat quay coz i promised marc i'll go down hence he opened a bottle of whiskey for me. was fun sitting there playing games with his frens, the whole ambience reminds me of the pubs i visited with the brokers b4. it was jus a few doors down the row from the 3 pubs i've patronised when i was working in the shop, had the temptation to walk by and look in to see if any of the brokers were ard.

and after that i promised another fren i'll go zouk, so since marc's frens were going too he came along. was crazy, met soooooooooo many people in velvet. its like turn ard and "eh what are u doing here!!!" turn ard and "hey i nv see u for so long!"mainly people i havent seen for some time, and the best was meeting the gym guy i used to admire when i was working in the bank. and i got his number! yay! heeheehee

but i was pretty gone by the end of the night. mixing whiskey beer tequila and vodka in one night prob isnt the smartest thing to do, but when u run ard like a headless chicken drinking with different groups thats what u get.

there's one thing that made me even more confused than i already am. marc asked me if i liked him, we talked alot last night although we drank alot too. about why he'll get jealous abt me now when he didnt last time, it was a standing joke betw me and him that we'll nv feel jealous abt each other coz we dont give a shit. abt how he feels his current gf isnt all that right for him, i know they've had problems for eternity but i did tell charles the other day that things might righten out when she returns. so the only thing we succeeded in doing last night was to make both of us more confused, as in me and marc. coz i need to figure out what to do about B and he needs to settle his gf. and he told me he's talked to one of our pals about it, as in one of the brotherhood. and they both had a gd laugh at the idea of me and marc being tghr, coz i'll never trust him and he'll never trust me. we both know each other's escapades too well. he's a womaniser and im probably one gal that plays as much as he plays. and lastly, i told marc not to try to get me into bed coz i dont do ONS anymore and if he did try to be funny i'll never trust anything else he says. so it shows that he IS serious coz he was a gentleman last night, good discipline.

so yes, im even more confused now. technically i think me and marc will never work out if i give it some serious thought, and i have all along said that i'll never want a guy like him coz he's too playboy and i've lived that life and i know him well and i'll never trust him. anyway who knows, maybe he'll decide to give his relationship another shot when she comes back in 2mths and i might work things out with B (and wayne will win his bet about me and B getting back tghr haha). the only thing im happy about is at least i've settle my job, i jus need to sort out my messy life. im tired of thinking, i seriously wish the problem will go away by itself.

happy happy new year! to a better year with a better market so i make more $ on the markets and to lotsa drinks!

merry merry christmas!!

last night's christmas eve celebration was a BLAST. alcohol all the way and crazy fun for 10hours straight.

cabbed to the hotel with marc, and first thing even b4 u get in the door, u gotta do door entry drinks. means 2 shots each, some concoction done by ben. each person contributed a bottle of liquor, and then since it was relatively early we played ban luk. drinking shots instead of paying money. see...alcohol all the way.

so we all got quite high within 2 hours of starting the party, and it was hardly 9something at night. within half an hour of showing up, sam asked if i was seeing marc, based on how physically close we looked. haha interesting qn sister, answer is still no. i havent seen him for more than a mth b4 yesterday, and we prob looked close coz he's just too used to me i suppose.

there was good fun sitting on the bed gossiping with the other girls, about the clique and jobs and all. the guys were busy trying to mix something they drank in thailand...its like BLEAGH. imagine 3 quarters of a bottle of whiskey in a hotel ice bucket, together with alot of shit i wasnt interested to find out. ah beng got drunk pretty early, so the guys babysitted him for a while b4 i went along with xiao qiang and marc to send ah beng back. along the way we got rid of xiao qiang, told him to drop off at his potential girl's church to bring her back to the party after mass. funny, i seem to suan xiao qiang really well when im a bit gone.

slept on marc's lap on the way back to the hotel, and when we got back tons more people showed up already. AND guess what....more door entry shots! and it was upped to 5 shots this time, yl also came and she was egging ben about pouring the shots. at least she asked ben to give me the less-disgusting concoction out of the 2 bottles he welded. hmmmm, at least some loyalty there. coz i offered to take a couple of shots for marc who was about to reach his limit, and the more disgusting concoction simple REEKED of tequila. and i hate even the smell of tequila, let alone the taste. sheesh, no wonder yl tried to save me haha.

and coz i didnt bother to bring a gift for gift exchange, i refused to do an ang bao, so i had to drink 10 shots. so did marc, but i got marc to drink 5 shots for me. by that time i suppose anyone who isnt blind could see that marc was closer to me than other girls in general. why would u take another girl's drinks for her esp if she wasn't ur gf?

anyway i was damn bloody gone by that point. i do recall sitting on marc's lap and kissing him AND i think aaron was trying to get good shots of it. ok lah i do admit it looks bloody scandalous, i look as if i was doing a girl-on-top position and it prob looked like i was trying to seduce marc. but it was for fun only lah, and the people there know that at the end of the day, we all just go back to our own lives. so its basically having fun where everyone involved knows that its purely for fun and nothing emotional involved. but its at times like this i feel like a third party (yes it looks like i am, but i wont say im actually a third party coz there is seriously NOTHING going on betw me and marc). esp when mel talks about their double dates and all. sheesh. sometimes i wonder where i leave my brains.

i must have knocked out on the bed, coz i woke up about 430 and didnt wanna sleep anymore. so i made xiao qiang feed me chicken and lay on yl's lap since she was conveniently holding a pillow. shows how gone we all were coz under normal circumstances xiao qiang will NEVER feed me chicken and yl will NEVER let me lie on her lap. and marc was cuddled with one of his close girl frens on the sofa, so i called the tpb i was seeing earlier in the wk to come over, since he already intended to come down at some pt and he'd left missed calls on my phone b4 i woke up.

long and short of it, marc had migrated to the bed by then and i was with the tpb. basically was sitting on the tpb's lap when i caught marc's eye and he mouthed "bitch. u did this on purpose". to which my reply, "well u were hugging someone else when i woke up what. no big deal". ok i suppose i breached one of our rules coz generally if i go out drinking with marc he'll have the decency to not ask any other girl along as his "date" kinda thing. so i was basically stuck with having TWO guys to entertain. *faint*.

when the tpb went outside to watch tv out of boredom, i got under the blanket with marc to pacify him. looks scandalous again coz by this point there were 3 couples lying on the bed and only one was officially a couple haha. and when we went to the bathroom on the pretext of marc wanting to puke, i think no one believed us. esp since they accidentally opened the door a bit and saw marc without clothes. nuff said. but again, marc was gone so im still an innocent angel and this time im the one that left a couple of hickeys on him.

slept with the tpb a bit on the floor, and ah beng was nice enuf to make a second trip back after dropping off people to get me. i basically jus left the tpb on the floor, took my bag and walked out. until we reached the mac near my place for breakfast and i realised i left one of my phones in the hotel room, so we had to go back AGAIN to get it. made marc bring it down and he came into the car too, since ah beng could drop him off. slept on marc's lap again but this time coz i had a seriously bad hangover, and i was still clutching my previously-missing phone so marc texted me "bitch. purposely made me jealous last night".

this is all good clean fun but see that's why i like stringing guys along. bloody fun and i get a kick out of seeing how far i can string them. some may call this childish, but to each his own. why i hit it off with marc all along is coz we both can be super close and touchy feely when we meet, but we can then not meet up for a couple of mths and we just get on with our own lives without bothering each other. so we're in sync in that sense.

now i need to figure out new yr eve plans. so nice to be in the holiday season.

thanks to all u people who've given me pep talks over this week. and if your bet was that we'll be back in a few days, so far u're still losing your bet.

damn damn confused, over him and over the stupid brokers. i kinda enjoy the freedom, i havent had the chance to go out every night all wk for so long.

mon - dinner with the old branch ppl
tues - beer with a tpb
wed - MOS til 6am thurs morning. *sober*
thurs - beer with the loudmouth beng.
fri - dinner and gossip with yl.

but i dunno whether we can work out... argh. i definitely wont take him back if he doesnt resolve the money issue betw us. and i'll try to be less domineering i suppose. IF we get back tghr. i met him tonight to pass him a letter i wrote. figured its a easier way to tell him how i feel without getting into a 3hour argument. its so weird meeting him, we didnt hold hands didnt kiss hello. felt like strangers yet it feels so familiar looking at him, the tshirt shorts and slippers i've seen so often.

i need to get teddy bear out of my head. i've heard the new trainee is HOT. as in GORGOEOUS HOT. (excuse my spelling. its 4.20am and i dunno how to spell that and i cant be bothered) and with the beng and my mentor on leave of coz its up to the ever-reliable teddy bear to coach her. i havent heard from teddy bear since last wk's pub session and i didnt bother contacting him too. I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!

going out with the beng on thurs was a bad idea. i told him straight to his face that i dont do one nights anymore, since he decided to ask. and jess has said that the only thing a guy of that age would be interested in a girl like me for, is jus sex. i know. im not stupid. but i've had enuf sex propositions this week to almost make me feel like a prostitute. and after i talked to him he's acutally quite a nice sweet guy underneath that beng exterior. but wth, i'll prob nv see him again anyway so i should jus forget it. i should make it my new year resolution to NOT HAVE ANYMORE CONTACT FROM THE SHOP PEOPLE EVER.

-he- is back. so weird. its been a year. and -he-, whom i first dedicated this blog header to... i have no more interest in -him- at all. he's proposed meeting up twice this week already and i jus got so fed up jus now, i was like "i dont do that anymore. you and i both know what we were in for, and you only ever talk to me when you're in the mood for it. so since i'm telling you now that im tired of playing, you dont have to talk to me again". W, if u read this u'll prob be so proud of me that all the sense you knocked into my head a year ago has finally gone in haha.

the whole clan is going viet in a few hours. and so its gg to be a lonely xmas eve. am so not close to any cousins anymore and B isnt around. i mean its my fault he's not around lah. so its going to be a day of running errands til evening when i head out to the drinking session with the clique.

read my cousin's blog and she mentioned how xmas has like no more effect on her. same goes for me. when i look at people buying xmas presents and all, i feel so distanced from it all. even xmas carols have no effect on me ever since chris mentioned it makes santa sound like a paedophilic freak. "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." to me its basically more like an excuse to do some heavy drinking now. when i was in sec sch and used to spend xmas in san fran for a few years straight, its so nice to be in union sq with the carols and the lightings, to go into macy's and neiman marcus where u seriously get the xmas vibe. in SG, all u get is the human and vehicle jams everywhere.

trying to pack next wk as well, to ward off the loneliness and to utilise my last wk of freedom b4 i start work. with a lousy 15days of annual leave only damnit. i wish sometimes i dont have such a great memory for details. teddy bear has been v surprised by me several times coz i remember small details. like who works where, lives in which condo, wears rings on which finger kinda thing. i've said it'd serve me well in consumer banking coz when u talk to cx you can ask "so how's your trip to aussie" or "hows your daughter in law's broken ankle" kinda shit. makes the cx feel like you do care....thats why its called personal banking haha.

teddy bear was amazed i cant remember trading/broking terminology which to them is as easy as breathing. but i can remember such small details. coz i do remember that teddy bear is throwing a party at a private room at MOS on eve-of-eve. aka a wk from now. of coz that night in the pub last wk he was pretty high and he did say "go lah". but i also know for sure he wont remember he said that. seriously, why do i even care, why do i even bother. i feel damn dumb sometimes.

over hte last few hours on MSN, have seen many frens change their nicks to something with "merry xmas" in it. well, yeah. its xmas eve already. merry xmas everyone.