i'm someone who cannot tolerate a cheating partner. that much i found out. u know that very sick feeling when u find out that someone u care for/ like/ love has gone to bed with another girl? it literally comes like a punch to the stomach. and it made it very clear to me that i will never tolerate it, that i will never take that person back.

so yes, i guess this is how this chapter will end. it hurts, and it is painful, i wont deny it. but when i think of that person, that very sick feeling comes back, as clear as the instance i found out about him cheating <> kept saying that i will take my mind off that person, but whenever i am at work in the office, or using work to cover up the emotional trauma, i still think of him. bastard that he may be, but i still miss him, miss the times together.

but this time i will strengthen my resolve to forget him. i know there must be someone better out there, someone who really will care and will be there for me when i need him. and someone who isn't just out for sex. i just need to meet that person. and maybe its always this time of the day, but i feel very depressed again, once again to the extent of wanting to break down and cry. but i can't. i have to put on this mask and face the world and pretend that everything is alright. and i guess thats life for u.

feeling really depressed today and for once its not about work. sales today quite good =)

but now i know what it feels like to take someone for granted.

that when the person is no longer with you, and u miss the person so much.

for someone u thought would always be there, and that person no longer is.

i miss u alot. i know that with your personality and mine, we will never work out as a couple. same case as what i went thru a few months back with another guy. but i miss the times u hugged me, the times in your arms when i felt so comfortable and secure. i miss u so much, and i'm not sure whats gone wrong. all i do know is that i'm so depressed i've felt like crying the whole day. and right now, i still do. i want to sit down and just sob and cry so that i'll feel better. the only thing stopping me, (sounding like a total utter bimbo), is face. literally. i still have to maintain a facade, with a calm face and fresh makeup, to see the world with.

its so ironic. why do we only appreciate what's good when it has left? memories are good to have, but better than memories are the present. i just wish u cared again, i just want to hold u again and to hug u, and to say, yes, maybe i really do care. just that i was too proud to show it.

i know i've said goodbye. but that's another part of my character i have not changed, something prof pointed out to me as well. i'm too rash when i say or do things, and i regret after that. and classic case now, yes i do regret what i said. i wish i didn't. and i wish, i wish, i wish that u'll still care about me.

i realise i am a girl who needs lots of space. i hate it when guys are clingy. take mr tan for example.

today he kept calling and sms-ing me. sent stupid messages while i was working, like "you will never care for me again" (direct quote); and generally calling and bothering me while i was working. today wasn't a very free day for me - went in and out of the office to see customers and cleared a huge stack of paperwork in the short time i was in office. and mr tan kept calling and sms-ing in the afternoon, and now, when i'm about to see him in 45 min (unfortunately) he still wants to call and whine. i HATE IT WHEN GUYS WHINE!!!!!!!!!! and i hate it when guys are clingy. wth is your problem??????

finally snapped and screamed at him on the last phone call (which happened 4min after we got off the phone). when he's busy at work and i msg, he ignores it for hours. and when i call him, he can say "yes i saw your msg i'll reply you later". so what, you busy can lah then i'm busy cannot izzit??????? TMD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe i'm PMS-ing. would explain my crankiness with people who get too close and invade my personal space. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

right now all i'm interested in is to find a trading job. doing stocks, forex, derivatives, options, whatever. still alive in this sales job right now but i really do want to give trading a shot. and i'm not getting much help anywhere for this so i really have to do my own homework.

and the last thing i need is a guy who irritates the shit out of me and doesnt give me my own space. thank god the other person has gotten tired of me and left me alone. gives me one less thing to worry about.

think some of u misunderstood my prev post... i did not do anything stupid ok. haha....

still in a bit of a mess but at least i have a better understanding of what to do. spoke to prof on thurs night tghr with yx, and i would say prof can actually understand my character quite well. he analysed my character for me (and both me and yx agree that what he said is pretty true). and sam knocked some sense into my head over the weekend as well.

to one fren - i dont want to name names since i dont know who might read this, but i think u'll know who u r. i honestly dont know what ure thinking. u know jolly well that the girl might be making use of u, and u said as much yourself a few months back. yes i know love dies hard, but there's a difference betw being blinded by love and just being plain stupid. i've known u for many years and sorry to say this, pal, but hanging out with her so much these days is one of your stupidest decisions i've ever seen u make.

i know u'll criticise me for the way i'm handling my own life, and i know u'll tell me that she thinks im screwed up as well. frankly i dont give a shit what she thinks. simply coz i cannot stand that girl. if i know u well enough, u're harbouring hopes of getting back with her and that would be another stupid decision in my opinion. i think she needs to grow up. A LOT.

anyway at the end of the day, i'm just one of your close frens who's concerned over what you're doing to your love life. u dont have to listen to what im telling u, but if u get back tghr with her, i hope u know what u're getting yourself into. as i said, there's a difference betw being in love and being stupid. take care of yourself.

when i was a kid, i used to watch tv shows where some girl in the show sleeps her way up the corporate ladder. never thought it would one day fall into my lap, to decide if something like that is actually worth doing. is it? would anything at work be worth "selling your body" for? maybe, if ure really that desperate for the carrot that the person is dangling in front of u.

super tired, brain dead. have like tons of things to do - digging the database for leads, TONS of pending paperwork, trades to book, self-appraisal 2 months overdue for my confirmation. just somehow no energy to do. sales are slow. VERY slow. its sometimes easier to not think about anything than to figure out how i'm going to get myself out of the shit i've landed into.

pierced 2nd earhole on each lobe the other day, partly coz i've said for eternity i wanted to pierce something and partly coz i was bored. so dear HL, don't worry, your cousin didnt do belly piercing =)

i've like had it up to my neck with some bugger. talks too much rubbish and too glib, u never know what or when to believe the person. but like i told sam, it irks me somehow. wth...

is it that hard to find a good guy out there?