merry merry christmas!!

last night's christmas eve celebration was a BLAST. alcohol all the way and crazy fun for 10hours straight.

cabbed to the hotel with marc, and first thing even b4 u get in the door, u gotta do door entry drinks. means 2 shots each, some concoction done by ben. each person contributed a bottle of liquor, and then since it was relatively early we played ban luk. drinking shots instead of paying money. see...alcohol all the way.

so we all got quite high within 2 hours of starting the party, and it was hardly 9something at night. within half an hour of showing up, sam asked if i was seeing marc, based on how physically close we looked. haha interesting qn sister, answer is still no. i havent seen him for more than a mth b4 yesterday, and we prob looked close coz he's just too used to me i suppose.

there was good fun sitting on the bed gossiping with the other girls, about the clique and jobs and all. the guys were busy trying to mix something they drank in thailand...its like BLEAGH. imagine 3 quarters of a bottle of whiskey in a hotel ice bucket, together with alot of shit i wasnt interested to find out. ah beng got drunk pretty early, so the guys babysitted him for a while b4 i went along with xiao qiang and marc to send ah beng back. along the way we got rid of xiao qiang, told him to drop off at his potential girl's church to bring her back to the party after mass. funny, i seem to suan xiao qiang really well when im a bit gone.

slept on marc's lap on the way back to the hotel, and when we got back tons more people showed up already. AND guess what....more door entry shots! and it was upped to 5 shots this time, yl also came and she was egging ben about pouring the shots. at least she asked ben to give me the less-disgusting concoction out of the 2 bottles he welded. hmmmm, at least some loyalty there. coz i offered to take a couple of shots for marc who was about to reach his limit, and the more disgusting concoction simple REEKED of tequila. and i hate even the smell of tequila, let alone the taste. sheesh, no wonder yl tried to save me haha.

and coz i didnt bother to bring a gift for gift exchange, i refused to do an ang bao, so i had to drink 10 shots. so did marc, but i got marc to drink 5 shots for me. by that time i suppose anyone who isnt blind could see that marc was closer to me than other girls in general. why would u take another girl's drinks for her esp if she wasn't ur gf?

anyway i was damn bloody gone by that point. i do recall sitting on marc's lap and kissing him AND i think aaron was trying to get good shots of it. ok lah i do admit it looks bloody scandalous, i look as if i was doing a girl-on-top position and it prob looked like i was trying to seduce marc. but it was for fun only lah, and the people there know that at the end of the day, we all just go back to our own lives. so its basically having fun where everyone involved knows that its purely for fun and nothing emotional involved. but its at times like this i feel like a third party (yes it looks like i am, but i wont say im actually a third party coz there is seriously NOTHING going on betw me and marc). esp when mel talks about their double dates and all. sheesh. sometimes i wonder where i leave my brains.

i must have knocked out on the bed, coz i woke up about 430 and didnt wanna sleep anymore. so i made xiao qiang feed me chicken and lay on yl's lap since she was conveniently holding a pillow. shows how gone we all were coz under normal circumstances xiao qiang will NEVER feed me chicken and yl will NEVER let me lie on her lap. and marc was cuddled with one of his close girl frens on the sofa, so i called the tpb i was seeing earlier in the wk to come over, since he already intended to come down at some pt and he'd left missed calls on my phone b4 i woke up.

long and short of it, marc had migrated to the bed by then and i was with the tpb. basically was sitting on the tpb's lap when i caught marc's eye and he mouthed "bitch. u did this on purpose". to which my reply, "well u were hugging someone else when i woke up what. no big deal". ok i suppose i breached one of our rules coz generally if i go out drinking with marc he'll have the decency to not ask any other girl along as his "date" kinda thing. so i was basically stuck with having TWO guys to entertain. *faint*.

when the tpb went outside to watch tv out of boredom, i got under the blanket with marc to pacify him. looks scandalous again coz by this point there were 3 couples lying on the bed and only one was officially a couple haha. and when we went to the bathroom on the pretext of marc wanting to puke, i think no one believed us. esp since they accidentally opened the door a bit and saw marc without clothes. nuff said. but again, marc was gone so im still an innocent angel and this time im the one that left a couple of hickeys on him.

slept with the tpb a bit on the floor, and ah beng was nice enuf to make a second trip back after dropping off people to get me. i basically jus left the tpb on the floor, took my bag and walked out. until we reached the mac near my place for breakfast and i realised i left one of my phones in the hotel room, so we had to go back AGAIN to get it. made marc bring it down and he came into the car too, since ah beng could drop him off. slept on marc's lap again but this time coz i had a seriously bad hangover, and i was still clutching my previously-missing phone so marc texted me "bitch. purposely made me jealous last night".

this is all good clean fun but see that's why i like stringing guys along. bloody fun and i get a kick out of seeing how far i can string them. some may call this childish, but to each his own. why i hit it off with marc all along is coz we both can be super close and touchy feely when we meet, but we can then not meet up for a couple of mths and we just get on with our own lives without bothering each other. so we're in sync in that sense.

now i need to figure out new yr eve plans. so nice to be in the holiday season.

thanks to all u people who've given me pep talks over this week. and if your bet was that we'll be back in a few days, so far u're still losing your bet.

damn damn confused, over him and over the stupid brokers. i kinda enjoy the freedom, i havent had the chance to go out every night all wk for so long.

mon - dinner with the old branch ppl
tues - beer with a tpb
wed - MOS til 6am thurs morning. *sober*
thurs - beer with the loudmouth beng.
fri - dinner and gossip with yl.

but i dunno whether we can work out... argh. i definitely wont take him back if he doesnt resolve the money issue betw us. and i'll try to be less domineering i suppose. IF we get back tghr. i met him tonight to pass him a letter i wrote. figured its a easier way to tell him how i feel without getting into a 3hour argument. its so weird meeting him, we didnt hold hands didnt kiss hello. felt like strangers yet it feels so familiar looking at him, the tshirt shorts and slippers i've seen so often.

i need to get teddy bear out of my head. i've heard the new trainee is HOT. as in GORGOEOUS HOT. (excuse my spelling. its 4.20am and i dunno how to spell that and i cant be bothered) and with the beng and my mentor on leave of coz its up to the ever-reliable teddy bear to coach her. i havent heard from teddy bear since last wk's pub session and i didnt bother contacting him too. I NEED TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!

going out with the beng on thurs was a bad idea. i told him straight to his face that i dont do one nights anymore, since he decided to ask. and jess has said that the only thing a guy of that age would be interested in a girl like me for, is jus sex. i know. im not stupid. but i've had enuf sex propositions this week to almost make me feel like a prostitute. and after i talked to him he's acutally quite a nice sweet guy underneath that beng exterior. but wth, i'll prob nv see him again anyway so i should jus forget it. i should make it my new year resolution to NOT HAVE ANYMORE CONTACT FROM THE SHOP PEOPLE EVER.

-he- is back. so weird. its been a year. and -he-, whom i first dedicated this blog header to... i have no more interest in -him- at all. he's proposed meeting up twice this week already and i jus got so fed up jus now, i was like "i dont do that anymore. you and i both know what we were in for, and you only ever talk to me when you're in the mood for it. so since i'm telling you now that im tired of playing, you dont have to talk to me again". W, if u read this u'll prob be so proud of me that all the sense you knocked into my head a year ago has finally gone in haha.

the whole clan is going viet in a few hours. and so its gg to be a lonely xmas eve. am so not close to any cousins anymore and B isnt around. i mean its my fault he's not around lah. so its going to be a day of running errands til evening when i head out to the drinking session with the clique.

read my cousin's blog and she mentioned how xmas has like no more effect on her. same goes for me. when i look at people buying xmas presents and all, i feel so distanced from it all. even xmas carols have no effect on me ever since chris mentioned it makes santa sound like a paedophilic freak. "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake..." to me its basically more like an excuse to do some heavy drinking now. when i was in sec sch and used to spend xmas in san fran for a few years straight, its so nice to be in union sq with the carols and the lightings, to go into macy's and neiman marcus where u seriously get the xmas vibe. in SG, all u get is the human and vehicle jams everywhere.

trying to pack next wk as well, to ward off the loneliness and to utilise my last wk of freedom b4 i start work. with a lousy 15days of annual leave only damnit. i wish sometimes i dont have such a great memory for details. teddy bear has been v surprised by me several times coz i remember small details. like who works where, lives in which condo, wears rings on which finger kinda thing. i've said it'd serve me well in consumer banking coz when u talk to cx you can ask "so how's your trip to aussie" or "hows your daughter in law's broken ankle" kinda shit. makes the cx feel like you do care....thats why its called personal banking haha.

teddy bear was amazed i cant remember trading/broking terminology which to them is as easy as breathing. but i can remember such small details. coz i do remember that teddy bear is throwing a party at a private room at MOS on eve-of-eve. aka a wk from now. of coz that night in the pub last wk he was pretty high and he did say "go lah". but i also know for sure he wont remember he said that. seriously, why do i even care, why do i even bother. i feel damn dumb sometimes.

over hte last few hours on MSN, have seen many frens change their nicks to something with "merry xmas" in it. well, yeah. its xmas eve already. merry xmas everyone.

its been 3 and a half years and its finally over... we broke up.

still feeling infinitely sad... feeling a mixture of sadness and anger. we had a long talk on the phone this afternoon and i was begging him to come back. he didnt want to. after he left last night, i felt this immense sadness and this huge void inside. its like a part of me is gone after he left. yes i told him to leave. but i was angry, i was angry wiht myself that i screwed up the 2nd round of that job i want so badly. and he chose the wrong time to bring up a touchy topic.

my brain is so numb now that i dont know whether i regret asking him to leave or not. after i cried long and hard on the phone this afternoon, i told myself to straighten up and to stop crying. guys from the clique always said that i stayed with him coz i din wanna be alone...guys ure all wrong. i stayed wiht him coz i loved him. and i realised it too late.... i realised it only after he left.

on the phone this afternoon, he told me how unhappy he was. that he felt so restricted being with me coz i jus want to control everything and i want to make every decision. and he still doesnt understand why i felt so angry towards his sis's pregnancy. maybe i dont understand it myself, i really cant explain why. and i didnt bother anymore, coz it doesnt matter already.

i just somehow feel that im going to be an old maid. there is no one out there that i want to be with. ive been sitting in front of the tv alone the whole evening... funny how my thoughts kept going back to teddy bear. that i sort of miss him... that his new trainee is starting work tmr, that all the attention would go to the new girl... that i'd probably never see him for drinks again. im out of the circle. i still wonder why teddy bear asked me a funny question that night before he drank his portion of a glass of extremely strong whiskey that i had mixed and i was coaxing him to drink. he asked if i treated him as an ex-colleague or a fren.

i should stop thinking and try to sleep.

dearie... i have not called u that for almost the last 3 years. that just somehow wasnt our pet name for each other. its so confusing.. i miss u so badly and yet im too tired to ask if we might ever try again after we cool down. i dont know if i can ever manage to do anything right that might make you happy again. it seems as though the damage in this relationship is irreversible. yet i know that despite what everyone told me before, u were the one i'll have wanted to marry.

i just feel very very sad now that you've left. and very sad that we've come this far and yet we didnt make it. if we had lasted til this time next year we might have gotten engaged. i always thought we were meant to be, that after taht strong attraction after engin camp 5 and a half years ago, we went our own ways for 2 years after that before we got tghr. i'll miss you baby..

was reading thru my last few blog entries and i realised that i have a habit of relishing all the details of the nights out with the shop people... its as though i want to preserve those memories in stone so that it'd be there forever - you know how memories tend to fade over time. and why would i want to do that? it jus adds to hte confusion... im so smart right. im already confused and i jus managed to make myself more confused

in a bloody bored stoned mood...i cant believe its friday night and i dont feel like going out.

somehow jus v sian...there's nothing good to buy in the shops too. mango sale... nothing good in the A/W sale. As usual. usually its hte S/S sale in june that i have a major budget blow out. simply coz i love light pieces that are more wearable than knits and wools and tartan and plaid. and i refuse to go shopping in town for the stupid annual late-night shopping the friday b4 christmas. bloody crowded and a freaking waste of my time.

i have a job offer from yesterday's interview. im happy i have an offer but its nt what i really want... what i really really want is the one im going 2nd round for tmr. i want it sooooo bad. freaking nervous about it.

i went out wiht the brokers again last night. the ah-beng one from. actually didnt wanna go when one of them asked me the night b4 but i was damn happy at that point coz i found out i made it to the 2nd round of the above mentioned interview and i also jus got a confirmation of the 8am mango sale. so he msged at that point in time and i jus said yes.

was surprised to see this other broker on my desk there... excuse me, my ex-desk. i dont know why i still say '"my desk my desk" when their new trainee is already starting work this coming monday. i still feel a little sore and jealous...sigh..

so anyway, this broker i said i was surprised to see... lets call him teddy bear. when he msged me in the evening to tell me that my ex-boss wasnt keen on taking me back. i was quite fed up coz my mentor already told me that over lunch this week. and last week too. so its old news to me...and he asked if i was going drinking so at that point i guessed he was going to the same drinking session i got asked out for. he didnt believe me til he saw me walk into the pub behind the ah-beng broker. haha...

so we chatted and drank and i smoked...i told teddy bear i'll leave in an hour coz i dont know anyone there except him and the beng. i recognised quite a few brokers there but i had my hair in a different style so i dont think they recognised me at first. so teddy bear said the married broker would be coming too later and when he did come in i could tell he was slightly gone already. i told teddy bear that im going to cut down smoking and drinking.... that if my bf proposes over this coming year then i'll definitely clean up my act.

the beng broker has claimed that he likes me bt i NEVER believe him...coz brokers are all great story tellers and liars and everytime i see hte beng he's drunk. so he was saying there's 2 obstacles to us.... my bf and the age gap betw us. he asked how old i was...then he told me he's 18years older than me! haha... i think he got quite jealous that i spent quite a bit of time talkng to teddy bear when he was the one who asked me out.

by midnight i realised i was damn sober and everyone else was pretty gone. so i started pouring chivas for myself...knocked back a couple of glasses then started making teddy bear and the married broker drink with me. i then started talking to teddy bear wiht my arms happily loped around his neck... i think he was gone but he was saying stuff like how i deserve better than my bf, that no guy is ever worth cutting myself over. and then something like "dont think i am not attracted (or something liddat) i actually am. just that i control myself". that came out after he kissed my cheek and he also said something like "im gone already....i already kissed u".

that brings me to the point... i've asked this question so many times and i have never gotten a clear answer. when ure drunk is what u say what u really feel? or is it jus drunken rubbish that u'll nv remember in the morning? think teddy bear's should be drunken rubbish coz he told me there's been so many times he drink until he cant remember what happened. but when i left him last night he still looked ok leh... hmmmm.

teddy bear to me is like an elder brother on my desk...in a way i see him like how i see my mentor jus that i only talk to teddy bear over drinks and my mentor over lunches. and my mentor is probably nicer to me that teddy bear too. but when i put my arms ard his neck and we just chat... it feels v comfortable. for the first time, i saw him wearing a ring on his wedding ring finger last night and i asked "eh u suddenly got married ah". he was damn surprised i noticed coz no one else had noticed it.... he said its for girls to notice that he's married so any flings or watever, the girl will jus know its for fun coz it'd imply he has a wife. i laughed my head off coz i have never seen him pick up a girl yet for the times i've drank with him. ok once, at st james that time. but it was an ex fling of his and i happened to know he went home alone coz i saw him get into a cab alone that night LOL.

arggghhhhhhhh... i think im thinking too much about things these days. esp about hte job... i should stop fretting over whether i get the one i reaaally want. but its a bloody big investment bank!!!! it'd look soooo good on my resume loh. and i know nothing will ever come out of me and teddy bear, or me and the married broker, or me and the ah-beng. i should go analyse the characters of teddy bear and the married broker.... like why i'll be attracted to them. they're very good frens and there must be something right about them that i should look for in the guy i want. and fyi, they both dont like ah-beng. personality clash. hahaha...

to add to the confusion, i was out jus now for a couple of hours with 3 guys from the clique. bloody dont understand y all the clique guys have great fun dissecting my love life and all the guys that come and go. they all think the guys who keep asking me out are plain dumb....pengz. but again it went back to why im still wiht my bf when we have so many problems.... they saw the cuts on my hand and being the medics they were they analysed the recent scars. sigh... but why why why.... they jus add to my confusion and now my brain is whirling nonstop and i somehow cant seem to make my thoughts sit down and be quiet so i can figure out what exactly is going on and what i should do.

sometimes i dont want to go out wiht the brokers anymore... it brings back bittersweet memories. but u know why i love going out wiht them.... they're a mature bunch... think easily 13-18 years older than me. the way they drink, how they drink, how they talk and all taht... its so different from my frens. now i can see why W once said marc is full of hot air. W is 6 years older than me... i guess coming from a more mature point of view, u can tell when someone younger is uncertain of themselves and need a confidence boost. i illlustrated this point to someone yesterday (shit i cant remember who i was talking to... i think alcohol is really killing my brain cells) like how when we look at a 18 year old kid now, there's so much stuff we can see about them that they themselves cant see. u can see when they're blowing hot air, that they try to make themselves sound more important than they really are sometimes.

so yeah...im swimming in a bloody mess of confusion right now. anyone want to give me some idea what i should do/