ME
i like the sun
to swim
i like to travel
freedom - like a bird flying away

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Thursday, November 30, 2006
after my exam on sunday i need to go straighten my life out. for many reasons..

somehow not having a job bugs me big time, i dont know why. i feel that sometimes when i talk to people they're like, are you working yet? or bumming? are u still taking a break? it grates on my nerves after a while coz i feel that people are judging me for the fact that im not working but studying for an exam they probably dont understand. its so bad that it distracts me at times when i really need to sit down and study, and its even giving me insomnia. having insomnia is a seriously bad sign coz im usually a pig. lie down i'll fall asleep within 20seconds. yet im having trouble sleeping these few nights. its starting to affect my appetite too.

i have been wanting to get into fx since june or july...its hitting dec and im still stuck here. was jus stoning in front of hte comp last night thinking if i should jus forget it and settle for some job that i no longer have interest in. like commercial banking or watever...the problem is after having been in a moving market for that one and half weeks, im so dead set on wanting to work in a market again that i have lost all drive and motivation to ever run for sales in a slower moving environment again.

and i know i should stop hoping to get back into the shop. soooo many people think im mad for wanting to get back in, the people on my desk included. i know they're still interviewing people to hire. i know the specifications: girls only, betw age 20 and 25 and must be pretty enough. i know i'll be damn jealous when they finally hire coz it means that im out of the loop for good. that all the people that used to tease me and train me will be teasing and training someone else.

i should finally stop being so dense and finally listen to what everyone has been telling me. people in the shop have been so reluctant whenever i tell them that i want to get back in after my exams, that i should wake up my ideas and listen. we dont want you back, you left after one and half weeks and we're interviewing candidates to replace you. which part of that do you not understand?

i know i should put those memories behind me.. i dont want to see those people again. almost like breaking up but it'd probably help me move on in this aspect. i miss that married guy... he's been on my mind constantly ever since that night but i know that he was probably jus high from the alcohol and to him im jus some small kid. i would just look back at november 2006 and say hey, its been a bittersweet month. opened my eyes up to a different world. met a lot of interesting people and got to see a whole new world. why is it that everyone is judging me for the mistake i made, that its all my fault for not asking to start at the shop in dec after my exams? it probably shows how mercenary the working world is. one mistake and you're out, you cant ever go back.

but why doesnt anyone see it my way too, that it was hard for me to decide to give up a new job for my studies? it was really the point of either i work and fail, or i quit and give the exam my best shot. everyone jus says its stupid of me to have started working straight away. maybe i jus am stupid lah, i have 3days left to my exam and im still failing the mock papers. that i took so long to pick up concepts in the shop when other trainees tell me they were put on the link on their 4th day at work.

i think at this point, only my bf understands me, either that or he jus isnt adding his comments. i have been hiding away from frens, coz for the first time in a long while i feel that you guys dont understand me either. W was especially blunt online last night, he was like "you just dont perservere or you're too lazy or you just cant get hired". yeah maybe i am stupid and lazy and im spoilt but why does the whole world expect me to have a vision of what i want to do in life right now? im only freaking 24 years old, why cant the world jus give me a bit of leeway to explore things and see what i want? everyone's like "you got to know what you want " "you got to ask youself what you want". HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW!?!?!?! do i look like i've worked long enuf or seen enuf of the world to know what the fuck i want?????

i cant believe that 3 days before my exams im sitting here crying as i type coz the fact that i dont have a job is affecting me so much. so maybe i should jus ask myself when i should stop chasing a dream and jus settle for something else. everyone in the shop said "you can find a better job than this, go work in a bank". the fucking problem is that i CANT find anyone who will give me a chance to start and learn. i turned down all the commercial banking jobs coz i feel that its really difficult to work hard at a job u feel no passion for.

to the guys in the shop: i know none of you will ever read this coz i'll never be stupid to give you my blog link. but thanks for the good times, sweet and short as they were. its time i moved on.


Attitude comes with style. 10:21 AM
Saturday, November 25, 2006
last night went out with the people from the shop again. heh i somehow cant stay away from them. went to pick up ciggies from one of hte guys on my desk and that progressed to a quick session of drinks at boat quay. same place as usual so met all the other people he usually hangs out with and i've met them a couple of times previously.... they prob were wondering what this girl was doing. quit already and still keep going back!

anyway. after that progressed to st james power station. first time i've been there...never wanted to go coz i heard from w previously that one of hte places in there was quite cheena and that was echoed by the guys i was with. but heck lah jus go since i didnt have anywhere better to go. ran into one of hte bankers previously from my branch and he was like...eh why u also come to this kinda place!

so anyway, the music inside dragonfly can only make it when they're playing my retro dance favourites in english.. almost mambo-ish but without the good mixing.. they just simply played the songs. when the mandarin songs come out i can faint loh. but anyway, time really flies when u're having fun. was really shaking my booty when a whole stream of pop/R&B came on and danced with a few different guys in our group there. they were all like, wah this girl can dance man! eh so-and-so take her to the dance floor lah! funny, when i dance wiht a younger crowd aka my usual people, i never danced like this before.

had my hair in a ponytail for most of hte night but after a while of really shake-your-body dancing i just released the hair clip and let me hair down. didnt do it on purpose to attract people but i also know its the kinda thing guys love.. you know where a girl jus releases her hair from a ponytail and lets it down. where she's dancing and simply having fun and you can tell she's having a great time. happened to be dancing with this married guy i kinda like (under point 2 of "stupid things" below) and he said something along the lines of how he loved it.

stupid things i've done for the night:

-force feed some guy (apparently he's from another shop in the industry but my guys didnt know him) whiskey-soda. as in mouth-to-mouth. after that the guy from my desk told me dont be so close to someone they dont know and anyway he's just from another shop and not a client. so like dont waste time on him kinda thing haha..

-there's this (married) guy from my shop but not my desk. kinda find him attractive somehow. we were kinda holding hands abit, but didnt kiss him. jus let him kiss me, as in pecks. not french. hmmmm and he's def younger than the guy i kissed in the prev blog entry, prob a few years younger only but on the other hand this one is the jiak-kantang kind. my kinda people basically. and defnitely better build, he's almost as tall as my first bf and got a not-bad body for someone in that age group.

but whatever lah, he's married and im tired of playing too.

after hanging out wiht them i can see what they mean by "after work, everyone's equal". its almost a motto there. your boss isnt your boss anymore but just another one of you. when i first got to dragonfly, my ex-boss's boss was there and he had his arm around me when he was talking to me. and later in the night, my ex-boss himself came down and was like "oei what are you doing here!?!?! u're supposed to be studying!". he was with a really pretty girl which someone else confirmed is not his wife lah. but according to the guy on my desk, whatever happens on nights out, no one ever brings it up in the office. you see, you know, and you dont talk about it. shop's code of honour. that i like.


Attitude comes with style. 9:20 AM



Wednesday, November 15, 2006
i quit my job. ahahaha. shortest employment in history - less than 2 weeks.

not htat i wanna sound so fantastic coz i have a degree or im studying for cfa. but the people there are very "lao beng" and u can basically work there without a degree or diploma. which describes a lot of people there. but somehow i feel that i can do better...even doing sales in the bank previously, its a lot more sophisticated and upmarket somehow compared to being with these "lao bengs".

but i must say that they are actually very nice people. feel that i really let my mentor down coz he taught me stuff and was so patient and yet he kinda felt htat i wasnt cut out for the job. yest during lunch with my mentor and this other guy on my desk who shoots his mouth off all the time... the loudmouth was saying im luckier than the prev trainee coz people in general like me, and like how the fella on our desk who brings in the most business likes me more than he liked the prev trainee... that he treated me a lot better than he treated the prev girl. and my mentor didnt argue with that (and i really trust my mentor, he's so different from the rest of the crowd there) so i supposed that was true and perhaps im just luckier in that sense.

long and short of it. i suppose i have kinda enjoyed working there despite the occasional criticism that i dont pay enough attention and i do my own stuff like studying or talking too much on msn. maybe im just too used to the freedom and privacy we had while working in consumer sales. and maybe if i had to i'll try to change... as in to be more obedient and pay attention and maybe less stubborn...watever.

last night went out for drinks with them for hte last time....and some clients too. my mentor was so nice..he doesnt drink yet he came along for a while since it was my last day. we all then hopped down to the same pub as last friday to continue drinking after we finished one bottle of whiskey. had fun lah...think we all drank quite fast and quite strong drinks. so everyone kinda let down their hair a whole lot more than i have seen them do at other drinking sessions. perhaps i went a bit overboard...loudmouth tried to kiss me and i obliged. which led the top business fella on our desk to sms me after i left "hope u know what u were doing. still alot of sober people around". DAMN!

hope that gossip doesnt go around and that i dont get a bad rep on this. i know that kissing friends or kissing friends' friends are ok but not when these people are work related. i know it was my last day lah but i never know where im going to end up next time right? i might just run into these people again one day for work related stuff. anyway, end of hte night i was freaking gone and puked quite a lot of times already... had to go out to the back alleys to puke and excused myself by saying that i needed to go out to talk on the phone. unfortunately the last time i puked, i was surrounded by a bunch of people from our shop and i had to jus break thru them and dash out saying that i needed to puke. and i didnt go back in. ruined my rep of being able to drink. but have not been that gone ever since sales retreat in july.

ok i better go study. sigh. less than 3wks to exams!


Attitude comes with style. 12:01 PM



Thursday, November 02, 2006
im starting work tmr. so today is the last time on a weekday i can blog and go online etc. coz i saw the room we work in..there is blardy NO computer. just a load of complex buttons phones and systems for us to talk to the traders.

anyway. yest i went to bathe and left one of my phones on the sofa. came out to find mog looking very sneaky...long and short of it mog stole my phone and was playing wiht it on the sofa. confiscated my phone then realised he's STILL eating something. looking very sneaky still. so yeah, presenting my spoilt phone cover. its leather coating outside hence he really wrecked it.

see all the tooth marks!
cost me 26bucks thereabouts to replace the cover.


and then here's the guilty little culprit. ain't he soooooooooo cute?????




Attitude comes with style. 1:49 PM



i got really annoyed by this irritating guy who's trying to ask me out and probably doesnt have much EQ.

lets not talk about how he always is too serious and whatever... almost makes me feel that he doesnt have much of a sense of humour. if i wanted to be mean, i'll call it desperate.

so i got a missed call from the fella and i didnt wanna call back, so i texted him
"hey u called?"

his reply came back
"yup i did"

like DUHZZZZZZZZZZ.... people who have some inkling of cow sense plus EQ would have said "yup i did, .....for whatever reason....". but noooooooo, this guy has to give me this donkey reply. if i really wanted to be mean, i'll just ignore him and not bother replying. i mean, since you dont wanna tell me why u tried to call me then i shant be bothered.

dunno y im nice enough to actually bother texting back
"wassup"

and then on it went... sheesh this is the wrong guy to toy with seriously. he's too serious and too desperate. each time we text, irregardless of what i have said in my first text, he'll chiong back with a reply "wanna meet up?"

hellllllllloooooooooo.... how desperate can u get!?!?!?! i know ure old lah but my dear old buddy mr liew aka mr-full-of-crap-suan-us-til-we-die is just a few years younger than you and he is nowhere near desperate man. =)

i complained about all this in a private msn window to mr liew last night (since the other people in the common msn window will probably know this guy and i dont wanna be publicly mean yet) who of coz ridiculed the guy even more and made me laugh it off.

i used to say back in my young young small kid days in uni, that out of every guy i've been with , i learnt something about my ideal guy. whether its a trait i want or dont want... like through D i learnt that i wanted a guy who was mature, not childish and idealistic. through C i learnt that i wanted chemistry between me and my guy. off -him- ... yes maybe i learnt something too. but compared to Mr Irritating now, i learnt that i need a guy who knows how to go after a girl properly, who will sometimes let nature take its own course like how me and B got tghr. and i definitely need a guy with some humour, who can be funny and make me laugh sometimes. now i know what they mean when they say being too serious when u've just met can scare the other party away.

funny, i've met C one-on-one more frequently in the past couple of weeks than i probably have in the entire last year. he still makes me laugh. suans the hell out of me sometimes (can really rival some of the other guys in The Clique). listens to my ranting about B (but i know it can get annoying so i try to shut up about that topic). and puts humour into funny dreadful situations like last friday at insomnia. btw, C's vote on Mr Irritating after meeting him, was "strange". i laughed my head off.


Attitude comes with style. 8:27 AM