i drank even more this week...fark. i literally drank on mon tues wed thurs fri and later tonight.

on mon, i kenna called out for drinks even when i already reached home... call me a bloody alcoholic lah but i jus will drop everything when i hear the word "drinks". tues drank with 2 different groups, wed was farking farking pissed drunk. thurs had dinner and coffee in boat quay and was walking out of the area when a call came. drinks at boat quay, jus down the row from where i was standing. so yeah i couldnt resist temptation. so sue me. fri was a good mix of ppl. a few of the LT10 guys and botak's frens that i am closer to. at our usual pub. finished like hell lot of beer, 2 and half bottles of whiskey then they came to my place to drink a bottle of vodka. (the damn vodka got demolished within an hour)

its the seriously first time i had frens over and it ended up as a couple couple thing. marc and his girl took the guest room (he knows my place so bloody well he knows where the glasses are, the cutlery, the deck of playing cards, what he can and cannot do, etc... basically stuff impt to his alcoholic heart), one couple ended up on the sofa in the living room. one guy, shall not name names, got too tired and went home. left exactly 4 guys 4 girls at my place, including me.

so after i went into my room to see if botak wanted to go out for supper (he was sleeping in my room), i actually left the door open but the lights were off coz he was asleep. some idiot closed the door, then when they opened it again they laughed and closed the door. and when we came out, the last pair who jus knew each other, were prob bored of the other 3 couples each hogging an area and they had ended up in the study room tghr. so yes, it literally looked like a mass orgy. first time i have frens over and it looked that bad. haha..

and i did something that everyone has been telling me not to do. if u know what i am talking about, good for u. if not, dont ask. i feel a wee bit guilty for it, after all like what everyone says, what goes around comes around. but i dont regret doing it, in fact i loved it. i jus hope things will still be the same betw us. he said it will and i kinda believe him... after all he's not a bastard like marc. alot more down to earth, no hot air, he's a more sincere person i feel.

btw i passed my cfa level one! and i got a new job. got all the good news on the same day so i was bloody excited. must have sent like 100 over smses in total that day announcing the good news.

everyone is sick of hearing me say this but i hope i clean up my life soon. it seems as tho i get myself into bigger and bigger messes each time. and my NY resolutions have all flown out of the window and disappeared with the rain.

i need to stop shopping.

damage for the week
- Mango sunglasses
- Zara dress
- Warehouse clutch bag
- Chanel's limited edition eyeshadow
- potentially one pair of shoes, 9west

im not even keeping track of the money spent, i just know the clutch was 46bucks and the eyeshadow 89bucks and the shoes 165bucks. not too sure bout the shades think its 30smething and the dress is about 40bucks. fark.

and i need to stop drinking. i know i need to stop drinking and i know i've said it many times. damn.

mon was out with botak marc and C.

tues was out with teddy bear... met my whole desk again. drank at boat quay from 630 to 12midnight with teddy bear then went to st james with botak coz tons of uob ppl were there. my branch, my batch, ppl i know from other branches...was bloody gone i think. amazed i drove back altho the 2 guys left with me refused to let me drive. told aly that jus now, and she said that when im drunk im super stubborn, whatever ppl want me to do or do for me, i refuse. so now i know im a stubborn drunk haha...

wed night was at blardy boring bala with botak marc and C and C's frens. was freaking impatient coz i wanted to go boat quay... even when we FINALLY left bala and went boat quay i wasnt v happy coz i dont know their frens well. was happiest on tues night actually.

and tmr will be out drinking again.

even for tonight... after dinner with aly and W im damn stoned when i came back. didnt feel like talking to bryan who's been calling persistently, and on top of that my phone's been ringing off the hook with drink invites. one guy's celebrating bday, damn persistent in asking me to join him. one's a gym guy, damn persistent and irritating too. i think i sounded damn rude in my sms replies to him tonight. simply not in the mood to entertain ppl i dont feel like talking to. and another fren's at bala, with corporate banking ppl from my ex-bank. i turned him down for tonight but agreed to join them next wk.

funny, the only person i felt like talking to jus now was botak. felt weird not receiving smses from him in the evening... but talked to him for more than half an hour online just now. this is what i call stepping into dangerous territory... this guy is married. but i've seen him on mon tues wed, and we more or less emailed throughout the workday today. but i dont get the vibe that he likes me, so i guess i shouldnt be paranoid.

interestingly enough on the job front, i had an interview this morning. and i scheduled another one for the coming week. both were from the time i was still job hunting and since they called, i decided i might as well jus go for the interviews and see how things go. not sure if i'll get either and not sure if i'll take them. im quite tired of moving ard different jobs. we'll see how things go.

aly, if u read this.. happy for u. i hope things work out... i think u know what im referring to. =)

chris and sam-female - thanks for providing moral support. i appreciate it.

i think im jus going to stop stoning and try to go to sleep. im like farking tired but too wired up to really fall asleep. gonna wear casual to work tmr.. first time im going to show up in birkenstocks. cant be bothered with heels at work tmr seriously. esp since i prob have to dress up tmr night.

its been a crazy week of drinking and my life is still as screwed up as ever. my NY resolution to clean up my act will officially start today - not going dragonfly with daph-y and the bank people. i figured drinking on mon wed thurs fri is enough for the week, i dont need to add saturday into the count too.

still bothered by thurs...went drinking with teddy bear and i got knocked out flat on vodka in 2 hours. my mistake to be banker on ban luk. we bet on drinks btw. lost like crazy. and i know i will puke whenever i eat and drink... i snacked on peanuts mon night, i puked it out. i snacked on fried rice wed night, i puked that out too. but i was really hungry on thurs and ate finger food. big mistake. lets just say that teddy bear was quite pissed with me and he had to send me home in a cab... i puked in the cab and i puked after i got out of the cab. he said he will have to "re-evaluate whether he wants to bring me out for drinks in the future". fine... bo jio then bo jio. big deal.

and i seriously cant believe i was stupid enuf to ever fall for marc's lies. one of his frens from our regular pub, lets call him botak. he's known marc for a wk plus longer than he's known me, and i only realised on wed that he was married. for 7 bloody years. looks so young somemore! no wonder he felt so uncomfortable with me hugging him the whole mon night. granted he says he's in an unhappy marriage lah. why he claims he felt uncomfortable is coz i'm supposed to be marc's girl and he kept asking me and marc whether marc was ok with me hugging him (as in botak).

so its only on thurs that i happened to be text-ing botak, that i realised marc told botak shortly after we met, that i was his ex. i was farking pissed off when i heard about it, coz basically it ruins my reputation. makes me look like a loser that keeps going out with her "ex-bf". botak refused to let me confront marc about it. and last night at velvet, when i commented to botak that marc was a damn womaniser, considering the number of girls he's asked down to velvet that night, botak asked if i was jealous.

and he asked me yet again whether i've really really never been with marc. coz he said marc told him that very convincingly, and he's always gotten this vibe that me and marc were like a couple. i've seen botak a grand total of...... 6 times as of last night. so the only few times he felt that me and marc were like a couple is prob the first 3 times when we met. coz i know for sure that this wk, i've seen botak 3x, and mon night i was hugging botak, wed night and last night i didnt talk to marc at all.

coz marc wants to play this damn game, he ignores me when im out with him and his frens, and he treats me like his baby when we're alone. he prob din realise he let the cat out of the bag verbally too, coz he said he cant be close to me when its all his colleagues and frens inside the pub. yes, i know im not your gf. i also know that mon night, u told me u broke up with your gf, and that same night u told botak u and her patched things up. your biggest mistake is u didnt realise that me being closer to botak would result in me finding out alot of lies, discrepancies in things u've told me vs things you told botak. i know that one of the girls who's always drinking with your grp is your colleague as well as your gf's sec sch fren. on top of that, you think that u've won this game with me coz u think that now im more into u than ure into me.

baby, u're so wrong. i was weak last friday, thats why i pretended i was drunk and i told you that i like you. and ever since then, your attitude has changed. well, sorry baby but u havent won this game. coz right now i cant be bothered about you already. im sick of your game and your lies. i hope last night taught you a small lesson. you want to get a girl, at least try to be nice to her. you dont expect me to go back with you when

1. you didnt invite me out last night. botak did.
2. you ignored me all night. i was talking to botak and C.
3. wait til botak wants to leave and i say im following him out to grab a cab as well. then u ask if i want to join u and your other frens. u think i dont know that u want me to hang ard simply coz u want me to go back with you.
4. call me when you leave velvet to say "you want to make sure i got back safely". bullshit. more like u want to see if im with another guy.

seriously so farking pissed off with marc. if i ever get to talk to him alone again, im going to tell him what i've told him long long ago when our clique did a gathering at indochine. if you want to play, go play with other girls. im your fren... respect me. i must have repeated this statement many times over the last couple of months. most of the time he respects me when i throw that statement at him. when i look back at all the times he backs off when i throw that statement out, in retrospect i realise that all he's ever wanted to do is to get me into bed. sister, u were right... this kind of fren i can do without.

and no matter what marc says and what botak says, i know that when marc's gf comes back, i wont be drinking with them at the pub already. i came in as marc's girl, the game's over and she's coming back end of next mth. so basically i can start to say goodbye emotionally to marc and botak. and teddy bear too.

i wonder why the life that i love - drinking at boat quay- .. is screwing me up big time.

those who've talked to me over the past wk know what sort of crap i'm going thru.

lets jus say ive never learnt my lesson...after falling for -him- in nov 05, and knowing what kind of bastard he is, why the hell m i putting myself thru the same crap with marc? i KNOW that marc is a player, a womaniser, an absolute bastard at that. so maybe my sister is right, that im just infatuated with him. which makes me wonder why i didnt learn my lesson after -him-. my bank ppl know i've gone thru hell to get over -him- altho he did state from the start that he was leaving the country and that not to expect something.

yes, teddy bear was right on friday night. marc has a gf, and i know his background. i know his character. so for me to expect anything more out of him was plain stupid. teddy bear did make one comment when i brought teddy bear and co. into the pub that marc and his frens were in. he said there's a difference betw jealousy and hostility and he felt that marc was jealous. w/in 5 min though, marc told me he heard what teddy bear said and told me i could tell teddy bear that what he said wasnt true. fine baby, if u wanna play this hot-cold game, you can go ahead. im tired of playing games with guys, and in future if i fall for some other guy and talk about it in front of u and ben u better not claim jealousy again. like what i texted u and u didnt bother replying, i'll never trust u again. you've proven in more ways than one that i cant trust u.

was running a damn fever AGAIN this afternoon, i think its coz i was baking myself in the sun earlier then i jumped into the pool. the water was damn cold and i could literally feel my body being shocked by the extreme temperature difference. so B was quite cute, he actually walked over to my apartment from his tuition place although i already told him i refused to eat lunch with him. and since he walked over in the sweltering heat i relented and we went kfc for lunch.

and when i came back wiht him, i started to feel sick. so i rested in the guest room and he kept me company, brought me panadol and held my hand while i slept. its really so comfortable to be with someone who knows you so well, and who knows where stuff is and doesnt need to keep asking (when marc brought me back the other night he kept asking me where's the hot water and yada yada yada when he wanted to make me tea). i seriously feel like marrying B coz if we sort out our bloody problems we're already in the stage leading to talking about weddings. but up to last night we were still arguing and it really does seem like there's no way ever to work out our problems.

like what teddy bear said, why the hell is my life so complicated?? i jus laughed and told him that day that its a good thing i have such a stable boring job so at least it gives me time to go think about my personal life.

btw, whoever's placing bets on B moving back in with me is STILL losing $. haha.

at the end of the day, i wonder what a comment yl made long long ago is true. she said that you marry someone with whom marriage is convenient, as in the person has enough $, is stable, etc. you dont have to be madly in love with the person. at this rate my life is going, yes i think i agree with that statement.